Family moving to my area

This feels like a big and thorny one, but I’d like to get started on managing my thoughts about my mum and sister planning to move closer to me. They both have severe and long term disabilities that affect their ability to do much with their lives. There is a lot of painful history here as there was emotional and physical neglect by my mum growing up, and the turning of a blind eye to the abuse from my stepfather. I love my sister very much and get on really well with her though. They have decided to move from the coast, 2.5 hours away, to apply for social housing in my area. Whilst I have agreed to this, it was a very brief and unexpected conversation a year ago, and then they went full steam ahead to plan their move. It has taken much longer than expected to get to the top of the list for a council property, but they have just been offered one and its quite likely they could move here by the end of the year. I have soooo many thoughts about this, and now that the move could be imminent I’d like to start managing my thoughts and feelings.

I’ve done two unintentional models based on my two biggest thoughts:

1.

C: Mum and sister moving close to me
T: I didn’t really consent to this
F: Invaded
A: I worry about what level of support they will expect from me, my capacity and my confused feelings towards helping my mum
A: I’m not fully immersed in helping them find a house or supporting their move
A: I distance myself from them and don’t phone them as often
R: I feel invaded and put upon, and guilty for feeling that way

2.

C: Mum and sister moving close to me
T: They’re so weird and live such strange isolated lives, how is this going to work with me and my family?
F: Embarrassment
A: I think a lot about how things will be – and what we won’t be able to do like normal people (like going out for coffee or meals or even for a walk)
A: I wish that I could do fun things with my sister and feel sad that we can’t do things that sisters might normally do together
A: I bite my tongue and avoid challenging them over some of their reclusive ways or unorthodox ways of approaching their health issues
R: I feel ashamed of them and also guilty over my judgement of them.

I think I might be mixing up lots of thoughts here and maybe there are a lot more models that would come off the same circumstance?. I would like to feel more positive about this move and the changes that it will bring to my life – the closer bond my children will have with them, the opportunity to have a closer relationship with my sister, the potential to heal some of the past wounds with my mother etc. And I would like to feel less responsible for their experience of living here – I would like to be able to have a thought that ‘they made the choice to live here and its not my responsibility to make it a great experience for them’ or something along those lines.

Where to start?!

Answer:

You’re starting in exactly the right spot: right where you are! I think that you have some good awareness about the multiple thoughts and the many models that you could build off of the same C.  I wonder if in the first model, saying “I didn’t really consent to this” and the actions that follow from the feeling this creates is actually living in that sort of limbo state where you’re not really here but not really saying yes or no definitively to anything around this situation – including what you yourself need to decide to do. How does that land?
Secondly, in the second model, you have arguably three Ts in the T line (They’re weird. They live strange isolated lives. How is this going to work with me and my family…but answer that question, and it will reveal the actual that is creating a certain feeling). I’d guess that the model here is that you already find ways in which this move won’t work for you.
What is holding you back from being able to have the thought, “It’s not my responsibility to make their move a great experience for them”?

It’s a wonderful decision to start managing your mind now…you’re setting yourself up for success. Come back to us with  follow up realizations and questions in a submission titled “Family moving to my area part 2.” In the mean time, check out Maisie’s podcasts on responsibility (episodes 34-36).