Family moving to my area Pt 2

Thank you for the coaching on part one of this. It resonated with me that some of my current thoughts about not consenting to the move are keeping me in a place of limbo. I don’t feel fully invested, sometimes feel resentful of what is being asked of me, but also I am providing support (eg by going to view properties and giving feedback to my mum and sister). Although I initially voiced concerns to them a year ago, this was much more about me questioning their motivation to move – whether it was genuinely a desire to live closer to me or whether it was because they would be eligible for social housing here because of family links. I didn’t ever raise concerns about living close to them after so many years of infrequent visits and my fears around this. As far as they are aware I am supportive and they are very grateful for my help with this. I feel bad about this, as it is a common pattern for me to not really say how I feel if I don’t feel something positive.

The house move is progressing now. It was interesting to me to witness my feelings when I went to view the property for them. I felt feelings of joy that finally a suitable property had come up for them, and I was excited to phone them and report back. So perhaps that does indicate that I have some positive thoughts about this move. Perhaps it doesn’t need to be all positive or all negative and it can be ok for me to have some concerns but also be very happy for them to have found suitable housing.

I then felt annoyed and cross when, after reporting back on the property, my sister immediately went into panic mode about arranging the house move and all the steps they would need to take. I snapped and said “maybe it would be nice to take a moment and be happy that finally a suitable property has come up, before you jump straight into anxiety about all that needs doing”. It seems I swing between feeling caring for them and feeling annoyed.

On my second model, you thought it could be 3 thoughts and if I answered the one about “how is this going to work with me and my family” this would reveal the actual thought. I think it has something to do with being embarrassed about what others, in particular my husband, will think of them when we spend time together. “I feel ashamed when Tom sees what my family is like” and the feeling is shame. That then extends out to the questions I think my mother in law may ask – she will ask to meet them or will want to invite them over for dinner. Neither of which my mum and sister will want to do (I know thats me guessing) and it will make me feel ashamed again to tell my mother in law that they barely have any teeth and can’t eat any normal food, only pureed food.

Finally, you asked what is holding me back from being able to have the thought ‘it’s not my responsibility to make their move a great experience for them’. It feels like my fawning and people pleasing goes into overdrive when I spend time with them. When we visit, I’ll be second guessing whether or not they are tired yet and whether we should go. They have found fault with every property they have ever lived in, and somehow I will feel bad if I didn’t spot something important to them when I did the viewing. Maybe an alternative thought that feels more believable could be “I’ll help them settle into the area, but ultimately its their responsibility to make their life here” or perhaps that is still too people pleasy!

Looking forward to hearing back on this.

Answer:

I hope that those reflections were insightful and helpful in some ways to you, and thank you for sharing your insights and responses to the previous questions!
The thing about being human is that we have myriad feelings about our situations – joy that people we love are moving closer, and frustration about what we think that will mean for us. You’re allowed to have a whole range of emotions. And of course you have these feelings. It all makes sense.

Let’s redirect from what you can think about your family moving for a moment and focus on what do you want to think about yourself during this transition. What do you want your experience of yourself – your thoughts, feelings and actions – to be as you continue to move through this process with your family?