Family (part 2)

Thanks so much for your reply – I found it so helpful.

I sat with the feeling of dread and realised that part of the dread was actually worry about feeling stupid – their family loves playing games and my general knowledge is shocking and any knowledge that I do have tends to vanish from my head if anyone looks at me when I’m about to answer! This has been a big problem since I was young and I always worry about parties or get togethers for this reason. Even the most basic general knowledge you learn about at primary school – history, geography etc or things like identifying well known faces – I’m just terrible at and it’s embarrassing as people think I’m intelligent. I have a massive fear that I’ll get found out!

The other feeling I’m dreading is feeling overwhelmed when they’re here. They talk a lot and are loud and I find it all too much and pretty boring too. But I could set boundaries and work out how often I’d be happy to see them over the month they’re visiting for and for how long. Their get togethers can last all day which doesn’t work for me as it drains me. I’m now thinking that my husband could go visit them more often with our kids if he wanted to as it’s his brother so he’ll be wanting to see him more (although he also finds it all a bit too much!)

You’d asked about my ideal Christmas – lazy morning, big walk with the dog, no main sit down meal so no-one’s stuck in the kitchen- just lots of snacky food when anyone’s feeling hungry, Christmas movies, pjs on, anyone can pop in on us during the day. Very relaxed, no pressure.

And my ideal holiday would be going away after Christmas until after New Year. Quiet new year (but I’m now thinking this could be because I’m avoiding parties which might have games!)

It’s their son’s first Christmas and we haven’t seen them in a year – wondering if I should just let this Christmas go and do what they want and then the following years do what I want, as I’m sure they’ll not be coming back every Christmas. I don’t want to seem petty as Christmas is just one day and I could do my ‘ideal Christmas’ on another day I suppose, like on boxing day?

Just heard there’s now chat about going away all together next year for a big family holiday – my immediate thought is noooooo!!! It’s so hard to say no and not seem like you’re being really rude though – plus when it’s so far in advance they’ll know you don’t already have plans. Maybe my husband could go and take the kids and I stay home? Or does that seem odd?!

Thank you again for helping me work through this!

 

Answer:

First of all, a lot can happen in a year. So, let’s focus on this Christmas. I’m going to make a few observations first, and then pose a question that ties them together second.

First, I have an observation for you about your dread of feeling overwhelmed. I’d guess that if you model this out, it’s likely that your R line would look something like this: I put myself in a state of overwhelm now. My second observation is that you know what your ideal Christmas and holiday look like and that’s a wonderful awareness. The question I have that ties these together is how do you want to show up for yourself and family now so that you can have the Christmas and Christmas holiday experience that you desire? What do you need to do to make that happen? What would you have to feel to do those things and what would you need to think to create that feeling?

While you will not be able to change your in-laws, you can change how you experience yourself around them starting now. And, as a reminder, you don’t have to take a massive leap to make this possible. Small, incremental steps will lead to significant change. Come back to AAC with what you discover and with any resistance or other observations that arises as you work through this.