Family Trip Upset 2

Part 2
Re-submitting as I wasn’t actually looking for help on my models, rather, I was looking for coaching about this thing that happened with my sister. I used the model terminology to help me gather my thoughts – but that likely caused confusion. Is it okay to re-submit this as something that happened that is still really bothering me? I still haven’t talked to my sister about it. I feel like she’s been avoiding me since the trip. What I want is to clear the air with her – find out if I did something during the weekend that made things harder for her so that I can avoid doing them in the future. We’d love to go back next summer, but I want her to be honest with me on if she’d want that – if it would be fun for her. If yes, what ground rules could we set.
Thanks!

I recently visited home with my husband and kids. First time in 6-7 years. This was a big deal for me – I was feeling a ton of anxiety about how it would go, how parents would act around my kids/husband (would they say mean things, hurt their feelings unintentionally, would they upset me, etc.). It ended up going great, and then two things happened.:
1) my sister was frustrated because she assumed I would be staying an extra day at her beach house (we said we’d play it by ear – I originally didn’t intend to stay an extra day), and I decided not to stay that extra day, and she went into power clean up mode to get things ready for us to leave (c). My thought was: she’s super mad at me. Feeling: so guilty. First action: I tried to help her get ready / told her “tell me what I can do to help”. Second action: my emotions took over and I cried almost the whole way home. Was embarrassed by crying so didn’t try to drive in her car (drove separately) because I was too upset. Third action: After the drive, I talked to her about it. Result: Things seemed better.
2) the next day – our last day before flying back home that afternoon, my sister was again in super clean-up mode (at her non-beach house). I’d assumed we could just relax and hang out before we had to head to the airport since we didn’t hang out much at the beach house, but she started cleaning and vacuuming our rooms right after we packed, then moved to clean the bathroom, then was worried about my kids playing in her kitchen (they might ruin something) or eating pasta with red sauce (they might stain her countertop). She seemed to just want us to leave. I was hurt and confused as I hadn’t expected this at all, especially after we’d already talked about what happened the day before and resolved(?) it. Also, I’d been worried about my parents, not my sister (who I talk to all the time, and who really wanted us to come stay with her – we were looking forward to seeing each other and were both worried/nervous about the parents aspect of the trip). C: sister cleaning up after us. Thought: She’s done with us/wants us to leave. Feeling: Sad. Action: Cautious around her – trying not to upset her more. Left her house early. Result: Hurt and sad, ruminating, not sure what happened.
Question: Not sure if should talk to her about it. Maybe ask her if there’s anything I could have done to make the stay easier on her? Anything I could have done to help more? I’m still super hurt that she acted that way. And I’m making it mean that she’d had enough of us – just wanted us to leave, when I’m hoping that it was actually something else bothering her? She does like her house to be just so – she cares a lot about that – but I’ve never seen her clean up like that when I’m still there. Usually you wait till your guests leave??

Answer:
You’ve done some really good work looking at your experience. That alone is worth celebrating yourself for! So interesting to notice how your brain spent a lot of energy worrying about this trip. Did it help prepare you or prevent upset? Be compassionate as you explore this. It can just be helpful to have such a specific scenario to recognize how our brain works and where we might want to make some shifts.
Check back in with your models. You’ve got a great start but you’ll get more clarity if you go over them again. You can rewatch the Self Coaching video or any of the Model calls with Amy and Casey to see what’s happening. Each circumstance should be only fact, then one thought, one emotion, how that feels in your body, the actions that come from the emotion (don’t jump to another thought/emotion) and the results that come from your actions.
This is good work to do before having a conversation. Figure out what’s happening for you. Figure out what you really want. Bring back your models and questions for more coaching as much as you need.

 

Answer:

 

 

We’re so glad that you came back to clarify what you’re looking for help on! It’s absolutely okay to guide the conversation in a way that’s helpful for you. Thank you for doing so.

If you were to create an opportunity to clear the air with your sister, what would that mean for and to you? What door would you open with your sister to give her the opportunity to be honest with you about how she experienced that weekend? What would that sound like to you, or how would you go about doing that? What would you have to feel (or be willing to feel) to both bring and invite in this kind of vulnerability? What is the energy you’d want to bring to the conversation?

Because we our sphere of control is only so big – by which I mean it’s limited to ourselves – let’s say your sister doesn’t share how she experienced the time with you. What then? How could this still be a success story for you? What do you want to walk away with that you can give to yourself?