Father in Law

I’ve had a difficult relationship with my father in law over the past 31 years. We are very different; I’m British, living in Belgium and I married his son (an only child). There is no mother in law as she died suddenly, just before I came to Belgium. He has never seemed to be able to empathise with a situation he hasn’t experienced himself and does whatever he wants to do, no matter how it effects another person. I’m feeling upset, annoyed, angry and hurt right now as we have invited him to our place for Christmas eve and Christmas Day (we celebrate on both days to keep the Belgian and English traditions going). My husband went to his house to pick up the presents he had for everyone. There was a present for everyone (even two for my husband), but not one for me. As I say, we’ve had fall outs in the past so in some ways it doesn’t surprise me, but it still hurts. It’s only been the last few years that he’s actually bought presents. He did buy me a scarf for my Birthday a couple of years ago but before that the only present I’ve ever had from him has been a tin of biscuits… I was so happy and amazed! the forst present after about 20 years. I mentioned my joy to my husband that evening to which he replied, “Oh, I told him he had to bring a present”! I’ve done so much for him in the past; ironed, done washing for him, listened to him endlessly… he talks and talks but never listens… This is just another slap in the face and has really thrown me again. We’ve set some boundaries the last 6-8 years, which means we see him a lot less, but even still, all the feelings came flooding back today and I’m not sure what to do with them. My parents live in the U.K and I miss them so much. He lives a few doors away and I would give my right arm for it to be the other way around. I gave up so much to live here and it’s one more disappointment, especially at Christmas when I would love to be with my own parents. I’m really not looking forward to seeing him the next couple of days and putting on a brave face when it comes to present time. How can I handle this situation? Is it worth telling him that this is hurtful?

 

Answer:

I think this is such a great question, and one that so many people wonder – and the best way to know is for you to ask yourself, “What does ‘worth it’ mean to me?” Take some time to answer that question for yourself. What does ‘worth it’ feel like in this situation? What would you be thinking if telling your father in law what you think was ‘worth it’?
One very important thing to notice when you answer this question is whether or not you have any expectations of your father in law – does he have to do anything or respond in any particular way for it to be worth it? If so, that is a red flag. When we take action with the expectation that people will change their behaviors so we can feel better, we give our emotional sovereignty away and what we experience becomes dependent on what they do and do not do. Furthermore, humans – adults in particular – will do what they want most of the time regardless of whether someone tells them their thoughts. That tends to put a wrench in our plans for feeling better.
If it is the case that you have expectations of your father in law, that’s a great thing to notice because it offers you an opportunity to examine and decide whether you want to hold onto those expectations of him or let them go and why.
I know this is being answered after Christmas Eve and Christmas and I’m wondering how you navigated the time you spent with your father in law. Come back for more coaching when you’re ready.