Fear of Abandonment

Hi lovely Coaches,

I couldn’t sleep last night and I thought it would be best to write down what kept me awake.

My boyfriend removed his name from our doorbell and mailbox in our apartment in Berlin yesterday and took a flight to Lisbon. We will meet there tomorrow and spend Christmas and NYE together. He rented an apartment in Lisbon this year for work reasons and I was really looking forward to this, to live and work between Berlin and Lisbon. But then I got really sick with Long Covid and couldn’t really travel or work this year.

Him taking off his name doesn’t actually mean anything. He did it because he changed his official address. But somehow in combination with him leaving, even though we see each other tomorrow, this felt as if he would have left me. I felt a deep sense of loss and abandonment. The thought was ‘I am not enough’ as in ‘I am not enough for him to stay in Berlin’.

In reality, he just texted me that he has booked me a massage for saturday and he is really looking forward to see me. I don’t have to worry actually because he loves me very much and shows thaat to me.

I’m not sure what to do with this, since it doesn’t feel like an appropriate reaction to what has happened. This feels more like a childhood trauma (my parents separating and my dad leaving) than a reaction to the actual situation. I’m trying to figure out if my reaction is because I don’t want this model of living in two cities or if it’s because everything didn’t go as planned this year because I got sick. Or is it an old feeling, that I transfer on this situation?

I would love to get coached on this.

Thank you so much!

 

 

Answer:

Why doesn’t it feel like an appropriate reaction? There are no rules about how we should feel, and anytime you notice yourself telling yourself you shouldn’t feel or think a certain way it is a bit of a red flag that you might need some extra attention there.

You might be reacting this way because of all of those reasons, so what? Why is it a problem for you?

Something that often happens is we allow our brain to not really think about changes coming up and we block out the reality of it. Then when you see the name coming off the mailbox, all of it seems much more real. Even though we know we’re creating the reaction, it’s ok to have it.

What if you just allowed yourself to be a human who wishes their partner wasn’t living in another country?

Now that you’ve had a few days since you wrote this to process, what have you noticed? Please bring any questions or models back for more coaching as you make this transition.