Fear of others reactions

I would like some coaching on being able to handle difficult emotions and sensations in my body when I perceive a negative reaction or lack of acceptance from another person.

Over the past few weeks of self coaching and other activities in TCF I’m realising that quite a lot of my issues seem to come down terror of other peoples anger/ internal disagreement/ passive aggressive behaviour, as well as ‘mind reading’ what other people are thinking and fawning behaviour to avoid feeling discomfort.

I’m aware of the background to this in terms of my childhood and why those fawning behaviour would have made sense and kept me safer during my earlier years. But now I would like to feel less fearful of other people and what they may or may not be thinking.

The feelings I get feel so scary that I have avoided things like setting boundaries and addressing issues with people because I end up allowing situations to continue for fear of how I’ll feel if I have those conversations.

I have started some model work on this and my instinct is that being able to sit with those feelings when they come up with other people would be a good start. It feels too far at the moment for me to say something like ‘other peoples reactions are their responsibility and don’t need to affect me’ – although that’s where I’d like to get to.

This is what I’ve done so far:

C: Being with other people – especially when there could be disagreement or passive aggressive behaviour
T: it’s not safe to say anything that could cause disagreement or offence
F: Dread
A: agree, fawn, people please
A: talk way too much, don’t allow for any pauses
A: Nervous system activated
R: I feel overwhelmed and will do anything to avoid these feelings

C: Being with other people – especially when there could be disagreement or passive aggressive behaviour
T: Even though I feel unsafe I am not actually in danger
F: anxious (But less so than in IM)
A: I am able to sit with pauses in the conversation without filling it with words
A: I am able to ask questions to clarify or give myself a moment to think
A: I am more able to catch myself before people pleasing
R: I am proud that I can sit with these feelings

Looking forward to hearing what you have to say.

Answer:

I love this. What a beautiful realization to come to and keen self-awareness of what is in reach for you and out of reach at this point in your journey.

Let’s look at the R line of your UM first. I’d like to offer a slightly different idea: I believe myself to be in danger or unsafe. How does that land?
Next, let’s look at your IM: I wonder if a different way to say “I am more able to catch myself before people pleasing” might be, “I am more able to notice when I want to people please, and making a different choice in that moment.” It may be a simple and subtle change, but the the subtlety may allow for more compassion. You’re not doing anything wrong by people pleasing, or wanting to do it, it’s just no longer serving you the way it once did. In your R line, I’d offer that it might look more like this: I can exist safely in my brain because I know I’m not actually in danger.

Let us know how this hits, and what comes up for you in a follow up submission titled, “Fear of Reactions pt 2.”