I’ve been with my partner for nearly 3 years and we’ve never had full sex. It never really bothered me up until recently but…. I really want to have sex with him!!
We’ve got to a place where we really enjoy all the other stuff we do and feel really connected, but sometimes I just want to go all the way. The problem is I end up getting in to my own head, I get really anxious. Added to that, we’ve only tried sex a few times we haven’t found what we like so it begins to not feel as good as foreplay. He never initiates sex, I think because he knows I’m anxious.
To give a little context, I’m the first person he has sexually been with, whereas I have had sex previously. I never used to be anxious about having sex when I was with my previous partner. But since being with my current partner I’ve got really anxious about having sex – I don’t want to fall pregnant because I don’t know if I want children, meaning I might have to make some difficult choices if I do fall pregnant. (For context, I was single before my current partner for like 5/6yrs and didn’t have sex with anyone, more because it never really bothered me rather than being anxious about it)
When I first started dating my partner and we made the decision to take things to the next level, I decided to go on the pill again. However, I came off the pill as I believe it was effecting my mental health and I don’t particularly want to go on it again. I don’t like the idea of the implant again either or any other form of female contraception because of my mental health. However, I’ve never had sex without the pill/implant and a condom, so the idea of just using a condom feels so risky. I spoke with a friend about it who just uses a condom and she advised I just need to try having sex that way and my anxiety will soon calm down once I see it is enough protection, but I dunno. Even if he cums before me I have to ask him to wash he’s hands before he touches me because I get so scared of sperm going in me.
I always track my periods and try to track when I’m ovulating (just by checking discharge) so I know that if I was to have full sex not to have it around then, but then I know sperm can live in you for several days. Another factor regarding tracking that’s started to worry me about trying full sex is my cycle has changed a little, mainly just it has got longer by a day or two, but will of course so will make tracking ovulation more difficult to get right.
I’d really appreciate some advice, especially as I’m about to go in to Spring (wink!)
Answer:
It might be helpful to write down what you want, what obstacles are in your way, and how you want to overcome them. Do some work on your own and then because there is another person involved, you’ll want to communicate with them. Make sure you have facts to work with rather than guessing.
Why do you think it has served you to not decide on a contraceptive method?
Why do you think that you’ve allowed anxiety to be the emotion driving your choices during intimacy?
There is no need for judgement, none of this is a problem at all. Just get curious and explore. As you move forward, what emotion do you want to drive you to your goals? What do you need to do in order to choose a contraceptive method that supports your desires? What if it’s possible to enjoy full sex? It sounds like you might not believe that yet. That’s ok. If you are willing to feel some uncomfortable emotions and let the process be messy…nothing can stop you.
Another option is to think less about this. Do what you need to do to feel safe and let the rest just be fun. Does that feel possible to you?
Start Here
Call Schedule
Recent Call Replays
Ask A Coach
Pep Talks
BIPOC Members
Bonuses
VIP Monthly Calls
Cycle Toolkit
