Feeling excluded at family gatherings

Hello, it’s my grandpa’s birthday next Sunday. He’s turning 91 und wants to celebrate with all family members (we’re quite a big family). I’ve never felt comfortable at family gatherings. I find the dynamics quite difficult and overwhelming and have often simply endured them (by dissociating as I’ve realized now – as a child I didn’t understand this). One time, I had a panic attack at night whilst being on holiday with them because I was over-stimulated. For a long time, I made it mean something about myself that I didn’t feel included in this particular group. In recent years I have been in larger groups where I felt really comfortable. Realizing that I can feel comfortable in larger groups, I’ve felt resentment towards my family because I was in a model where their behavior had affected my self-esteem. (I’ve tried to work on this.) If I feel ok, I think I will attend the family gathering and it would be nice to see everything that will happen as neutral. I would love some help with regard to the thought that helps me to feel calm / neutral towards what happens / unaffected (whilst still being present and not dissociated). (I will also set a time limit for myself and order an Uber after two hours or so.)

C: family gathering
T: there will be people that say and do things that have nothing to do with me
F: calm
F: grounded
A: staying present
A: not taking things personally
A: (trying to engage when possible?)
R: feeling as calm as possible

Thank you! x

 

Answer:

Your result is that you take care of you. You’ve shifted your focus from your family needing to act a certain way so you can be calm back to knowing that you are the best and only one who can create calm for yourself. Celebrate yourself for that!

I would offer that you go into this birthday party knowing it will be 50/50. Parts you aren’t going to like, and parts may turn out better than you expected. Own your reason for going which is that you want to be there, not that your grandpa wants you there. Set yourself up for success as you have planned and then just expect the 50/50. Love the humans, including yourself. Try filling in this model and see how it feels:

C: grandpa’s birthday party

T: What could you think to feel this way about you?

F: How would you need to feel to show up this way?

A: What do you need to do to create this result?

R: I allow myself to experience the 50/50