Feeling guilty in an argument with parents

For the last 10 years, I live abroad, far away from my family – mom and dad (I am the only child). I would describe my relationship with my parents as rather okay, and functional, we have not encountered big family issues but for the years I’ve been abroad I have noticed we have many different views on various aspects of life. Thye are very loving parents, and always went beyond and above to provide me with the best they could, I am grateful for all the help and the times they have been here for me. We don’t really fight but we are not very open with each other either. My parents both come from dysfunctional, non-communicative, distant families and they say it is difficult for them to find a better way to communicate with me. This is a nutshell a bit of the background. For the past 3 weeks, they are both living at my house because dad is helping with the house renovation. I have not ‘lived’ with my parents since I was 18, I am 30 now. They are both quite dependent on me when it comes to simple things: doing things in the house, and groceries (because they don’t speak English, they won’t go anywhere out of the house without me). This means that we are non-stop with each other. I noticed that the relationship with my dad suddenly changed: we were always ‘best buddies’ but now we clash all the time: he makes inappropriate jokes – I get angry, he wants to get always his way – so I do I. These clashes end up in fights where I mostly ‘burst’ out of frustration and I say things I regret later. When I try to approach him to calm down and talk to him, he almost never admits he did something wrong, which again leaves me upset. My mom is left in the middle, trying to pick sides – which I find unfair as well and I don’t want to put her in this situation. I have been thinking a lot about where these clashes are coming from: am I so much like my dad (want to control that everything is right, stubborn)and that is why we clash? Have I changed so much in the past years and now I have a different style of communication? The reason why it consumes me is that after they leave (which is this week) I feel so sad that the anger got the best of me, I feel so sorry that I may have said some bad things to him and so ungrateful because he is here to help me and I should just accept that he is like that and shut up. There is a strong feeling of guilt that is all over me and I cannot get it out of my system. Then the negative wheel is here and I think I am a bad daughter, that I should not respond to him because this is disrespectful (as seen in my culture, where you shouldn’t talk back to your parents), that I have no control over my emotions (which deep down I know it is not entirely true). I believe that these feelings are also ‘encouraged’ because my dad says things like: why are you always so stressed? I didn’t mean as you took it. I was just explaining why are you overreacting? . All these reactions make me think he is right, I am overreacting and then more guilt comes my way. Then when they leave, I am left feeling so bad for those fights, for the words I said and for my emotions getting the worst of me. If I wore to compare the same situation but instead of my dad it would be a friend, I would still feel all those emotions (guilt, regret) but to a much lesser extent. But because it is family and I am meant to love them no matter what because of all they have done for me, I don’t know how to manage my guilt and how to not blame myself for everything that went wrong.

 

Answer:

Let’s take a look at what is going on by seeing your model around your guilt.

C: Reflecting on visit with family
T: I should not have acted the way that I did.
F: Guilt
A: Replay all the comments that I made that I considered “bad”
A: Judge myself for how I acted
A: Think that I should have been quiet and said nothing
A: I do not reflect on things that went well
R: I see myself as a bad act

What I mean by referring to bad act, you are looking at what you should be like constructing an act. You are not looking at understanding and owning your feelings, choosing how you want to show up based on your expectations for yourself, and basically allowing yourself to be you.

The important thing with any model is to understand that it is your thoughts that create your feeling. This means that whatever your dad says does not cause you to feel angry. It is what you think about it. That does not mean you need to start thinking a joke is ok with you. It means that you have control to think what you want. You may choose to think “That’s just him and he is allowed to be himself” or “He thinks that is ok.” You are also allowed to think “That joke is not ok with me,” and feel angry. The difference is that you are choosing to be angry and not be ok with it. You are not giving your power to your dad.

Once you see your power, then you can begin to understand why you may feel the way you do. You will notice what thoughts are behind those reactions. From there you may learn to allow them, understand them, and/or change them. The first step though is to see it, and understand why you feel the way you do.

Once you see what thoughts are creating your feeling, think about how you want to think about it with intention. There is no “right” or “wrong”. There is only what feel right and aligned for you.