Feeling irritated around family

I am visiting my family in South America after more than a year, and this time with my partner. It is his first time, and we are leaving at my parent’s place, which is a decision about which I had negative thoughts when back in Germany, where I live. Now that I am here, I am getting the confirmation. Thoughts that I had like “it is going to be hard, it is going to be too much, too small, too close” are confirming themselves. It is hard, it is small and too close for me. And the feeling I get is either overwhelmed or irritated.

The problem with this all is that I had an expectation about seeing my parents. They are getting old so I think I should come and see them and be as much time as possible with them. At the same time, I do not want that. I want to enjoy the summer and show my boyfriend around. But if I do, I get all these weird I-am-guilty vibes from myself. This model looks like this:
C: Spending time with parents
T: I cannot enjoy the time with my parents
F: Guilt
A: I try to connect out of guilt and it feels awful
A: I hide
A: I cannot hold a conversation
A: I do not listen nor open up properly
R: I do not enjoy the time with my parents

I think there is also another model going on here, which is one where I just feel irritated all the time around them. Especially around my mother.
C: Staying with my parents
T: My mum is trying to control me and get my attention
F: Irritation
A: I yell at her, I do not listen to her, I do not want to spend time with her
R: I allow her to control me

I feel like my emotions are so all over the place that I cannot really see through it. I feel mostly activated and distressed. I would love any help on these models!

Answer:

I’d love for you to consider the idea that nothing is going wrong here. You are showing up exactly as you are meant to right now, and your parents are showing up exactly as they are meant to as well. What it sounds like to me is that you have the expectation that you should be able to enjoy spending time with your parents, but that expectation is butting heads with reality. If there was not a wrong way to experience staying at your parents, and you were therefore able to drop the expectation about how you should be feeling about the time with them, what would you be able to give yourself space to experience then? Come back to us for more coaching when you’re ready.