Feeling Neutral About What Family Members Say Pt. II

Hello and thank you for your answer. Your suggestion to want to love them unconditionally instead of wanting to feel neutral towards them really made me think. I think that would be nice and also important for my personal growth as I find it difficult to allow real intimacy into my life. So I think loving them unconditionally could help me to be more open for love in general. However, I don’t know exactly how this could play out and would be grateful for support while I figure this out. I picked a few things that especially my father and brother said in the past that really triggered me. I’ve tried to create models around this where the result line is “I love them unconditionally”. I don’t want that to mean that I agree with everything they say. But I guess I often confuse love with a lack of boundaries. So maybe there is a way to love them unconditionally while setting boundaries and disagreeing with them.

Unintentional Model
C: my brother said “we played basketball at work as a team event and when it was my female colleague’s turn to throw the ball I offered to throw the ball for her so that she wouldn’t have to be embarrassed in case she didn’t reach the basket”
T: he’s such a macho, he sees women as helpless, etc.
F: angry
A: I make a really annoyed remark
A: I roll my eyes
R: I’m angry and see this as evidence that all my assumptions about him are true

Intentional Model
C: my brother said “we played basketball at work as a team event and when it was my female colleague’s turn to throw the ball I offered to throw the ball for her so that she wouldn’t have to be embarrassed in case she didn’t reach the basket”
T: in this situation he did was he was modeled in society / at home
F: calm
A: I try to talk to him about it and offer another perspective
R: unconditional love (whilst disagreeing?)

Answer:

Such a great question! And I especially appreciate that you brought up the subject of love and how you correlate it to a lack of boundaries. The best boundaries actually come from love for yourself so you can love others with less interference. Isn’t that the darndest thing!?
What would happen if you put love in the F line of the Intentional Model? What does the rest of the model look like? What thoughts do you think creates the feeling of love? What do you do when you feel love? What result would this create for you? Feeling love unconditionally doesn’t mean that you don’t feel other things and have other thoughts about the things that your brother says. It just means that you choose to feel love because you like the way it feels more. Feeling love also doesn’t mean that you let your brother’s or anyone else’s comment slide – it’s not the same as being nice.
Maisie has a podcast about the difference between being Nice and being Kind – it’s episode 45. When you have a chance, take a listen and see if there’s anything that resonates with you in terms of choosing to feel love when a family member says something that you disagree with.
Come back for more coaching on this with pt. 3 when you’re ready!