Feeling Neutral About What Family Members Say Pt. III

Thank you for your answer. I listened to the podcast episode where Maisie explains the difference between “nice” and “kind” and came up with the following model:

C: my brother said something I disagree with
T: I can lovingly and calmly express my opinion
F: unconditional love (for myself and others)
A: I express my opinion
R: I open up the possibility for a real conversation
R: I open up the possibility to develop a relationship with my brother

My brother and I never had a good relationship. Most of the time, we simply co-existed or I felt annoyed / bullied by him. So I was amazed by the results of this model. The way I understand it, being kind (and thus expressing my opinion) could open up the possibility to develop some kind of relationship with him (or at least explore whether that’s what I want). I have a lot of resentment towards him because I was being nice in the past (trying to avoid conflict). Since I have so much resentment towards him, at the moment I simply try to avoid him because I feel triggered by so many things he says. So openly and lovingly communicating could be a way forward. However, I think it could be difficult to implement it since I see him so rarely (mostly at family gatherings). Maybe I could practice different scenarios before I meet him the next time. Thank you in advance for your feedback!

 

Answer:

Well done with this model! I would like to offer you a different R, which is that you give yourself an opportunity to lovingly and calmly interact with your brother (which could open up the possibility for a real  conversation and develop a different kind of relationship with him). What do you think?
I also love the idea of practicing in different scenarios before you are in the room with him. In the mean time, it might be worthwhile to come up with ladder thoughts, or bridge thoughts if you find that it’s difficult for you to be in this model right away. Small steps should not be underestimated! Let us know how it goes and come back for more coaching on this when you’re ready. Nice work.