Feeling Numb When Old Friends And Family Members Reach Out Pt. III

Hello and thank you for your reply. I find it really difficult to think of reasons why I helped my brother and father at the time of my graduation. The way I see it is that I was in a fawning / people-pleasing state and helped them in order to feel secure and avoid conflict. I remember that I was really angry at that time but I didn’t really see an alternative (my mum told me “if you won’t help them, your dad will be really upset”). I was in this fawn trauma response for a long time and have only in recent years started to recover from it. So I find it really difficult to tell a different kind of story but I can also see that this story is not necessarily serving me. Maybe a more powerful story would focus more on me instead of on them. Something like “I handled the situation as good as I could at that time”. I think I even expressed my disappointment somehow because we then had a celebratory dinner. Do you think this could be a helpful way forward? Thank you in advance.

 

 

Answer:

What’s important is what you think. How does it feel when you think “I handled the situation as good as I could at that time?”  Is it believable?  If you’re not sure, what could some ladder thoughts be that help you get there?

You have some really good awareness of why you did what you did and what state you were in. There are always reasons we do things even when we don’t like it. Avoiding conflict in that way worked, although you ended up conflicted inside of you.

Moving forward, can you imagine a way you could avoid conflict without sacrificing yourself? As you said, focus your story on you. Expect your family members to continue on in the same way.