Feeling of Connection

I have always laughed off one of my doctor’s comments such as “we have to make sure you get better soon, these years are really important for social development…” because I believe that you can develop socially at any age but I fear some of it has stuck. I am really out of practice socially and deep down do worry (which I suppose makes it a belief) that I am defective in a way, that I can’t truly connect anymore. I am slowly getting back glimpses that suggest that that isn’t wholly true but they are still few and far between. Unfamiliarity, physical strain, and nerves don’t make it easy either and I have always struggled to feel connected to people online as opposed to in person. I also worry I am not capable of deep connection anymore or I am not sure how to retrain myself. I also fear that I just don’t feel things as deeply as other people. When people have spoken about how connected they feel after community calls for example, I am always surprised because even if they list the same things I experienced I lack the feeling of connection that comes with it for other people, when I see people crying or being ecstatic at taylor swift concerts I wonder how it is impacting them that deeply. It is not that I am unable to feel deep emotions I just don’t know how to let them penetrate me from the outside or around other people. In-person or over zoom it probably stems from a lack of safety and nerves that don’t allow me into a relaxed state to connect, when it comes to texting I am not sure, I just struggle with seeing more than a screen, to imagine a person and a real conversation. My word of the year is connection but so far I feel like I am failing except when it comes to connection to my body and myself. I try to just push myself to get more practice in to overcome my nerves, but the process of always getting over myself to do it feels so laborious and hard that I don’t get around to it that much. I am trying to find a mindset that shifts away from feeling defective and forcing myself to get out there to a gentler kinder way of easing my nervous system back into being able to connect truly, but I am not sure where to start since I don’t feel ready to move into the intentional models yet. The following two unintentional models are my most prevalent ones.

c: I don’t spend a lot of (quality =more than saying hi and a minute of small talk) time with people outside my immediate family
t: I don’t know how to connect/feel a connection to others
f: lonely, sad
a: beat myself up, ruminate about being defective
r: I don’t feel connected to real people/things outside myself

c: I am trying to spend more (quality) time with (new) people and in community
t: connecting is hard and I am bad at it
f: defeated
a: feel like I will fail before I even start, imagine it as hard/a struggle, go through a whole process of nerves, talking myself into it, and being exhausted after, make it mean I am not lovable or good enough when it doesn’t work, beat myself up or feel discouraged/down when it doesn’t go smoothly, I only try on good days, I revert to watching tv/reading and feeling a part of those stories instead of connecting in my own life
r: I don’t feel connected and am not getting better at it

 

 

Answer:

Thank you for this beautiful question. In your model, you’re right on. another result could be R: I prove my thought true.  It’s like you’ve got a pair of glasses on that can only see what’s not working.  Give yourself loads of compassion.  You don’t have to fix or change this in order to feel better. You’re not defective. What if you could love yourself right where you are?  It doesn’t mean you don’t keep the same goals, but you come at it from a more powerful place. Notice how you want to feel more connected because you think it will be  ??? what?  What do you think that experience will be like?  Now notice what it is like for you to think you need to be more connected.  What result is it creating.

I want to offer a different take for you, as always take it or leave it. But I was reminded of this idea that is shared in parenting and I can’t remember who said it, but it’s something like: “If you child is struggling in math and great at tennis, get them a tennis coach not a math tutor.”  Conventional thinking is that we should put our energy and resources where we see “weakness” in order to improve it. In your case, you said you are getting better at connecting with yourself, but connecting with others is hard. What if you continued connecting with yourself from a place of love.  Trust that what’s most important is you being the you-est you you can be. And maybe that includes connecting with humans in a different way than you think other people do…but so what? Do some exploring and bring back any questions or models you find. This may be more about heart-work than thought work.