Feeling of failure regarding goal

Hello dear coach,

Pat on my back for making it to coaching. I am scared to bring this up and I have found myself a ton of excuses over the last days to postpone.

Here’s the model that I’m currently in:

C. Handing in my thesis.
T. I did not do well enough.
F. Anxious.
S. Tightness in my stomach.
A. I freeze, i.e. I don’t start preparing my upcoming defense. I ruminate over the what ifs and shoulda woulda coulda. I don’t enjoy my time off as much as I had hoped.
R. I prove to myself all the ways that I did not do good enough and prepare for the worst: my thesis not being approved, AND I question the accomplishment of my goal (see below).

For some context, my goal for the past year has been to write my MSc thesis whilst taking good care of myself. Rocks: let go of perfectionism, take massive imperfect action, take care of myself. I think an evaluation would also come in handy here.

What went well:
– I did not exhaust myself working extremely long hours, working late and over stressing.
– I managed to prioritize sleep, eating well along with other health goals and remained somewhat social during this period.
– I worked on an interesting topic in a practical context; I also was able to get professional experience as a consultant while carrying out this research.
– I completed two rounds of ambitious data collection, in record time for the second one.
– I rested when I felt that I needed to.
– I asked my supervisor for reassurance that I was on the right path, which I did not receive but I am proud of asking for that feedback she would not give me.
– The experience has been overall quite enjoyable, except for a few peaks of intense stress.

What did not go so well:
– After I carried on for too long with the professional project next to my thesis which was taking much of my time and energy, I found myself in a tough situation where a wake up call from my partner made me realize I was on a tight timing to conduct my interviews and complete the writing in time. I think this period of slow action/inaction was due to other reasons as well besides prioritizing this work project which I did not identify at the time. Probably something to do with not wanting to feel “negative” emotions, feeling like I had failed because I was not on top of the process nor on track with my planning. So some of this resting is also buffering, which I am having a hard time differentiating.
– This resulted in an intense period of data collection and analysis which left me feeling fatigued. I took a break.
– A couple weeks later I found myself nearly at the deadline and the writing was done but not perfect. This resulted in handing in my thesis in a state of panic where I had not resolved some comments from my supervisor (who is the person grading me). I misunderstood her feedback which left me feeling confused and couldn’t clarify it with her because there was no more time. Hence the layout of one of the sections of my thesis was very confusing, and my abstract was incomplete. One of the comments I had missed and discovered minutes before handing in was particularly worrisome to me, regarding the methodology I used which my supervisor indicated should not have been done that way.
– When finalizing my thesis I felt unsure of the steps I was taking, I frankly hated the process of having to take so many decisions and I didn’t receive reassurance from my supervisor.
– I was in a state of intense anxiety and I couldn’t sleep the night. I was finally able to sleep through the day. I then decided to hand in a second version after I clarified and corrected the main things, which I hope is going to be taken into consideration.

What would I do differently:
– Seek for coaching, and external help/support when I feel I am stuck.
– Simplify the process, collect less data, do only what is essential.
– Be more humble and transparent with my supervisor, i.e. asking for more support and more supervision time simply to show her what I was doing to progress on the thesis and how I was doing it.
– Define what success looks like! Something I didn’t do. Could I accomplish my goal writing a mediocre thesis? I also feel disappointed that I am not going to reach Cum Laude. But those are parameters I didn’t define. I think now my wish is simply to pass, I would be happy with that.

This is all what comes to mind at the moment. Moving forward I think an important point is to build back my confidence so I am able to present confident and proud at the defense. I did my best, that I am sure of. But this all feels very raw. I would appreciate any advice you have for me. Thank you!

 

 

Answer:

It’s so hard to do thought work when everything feels very raw. It’s ok to let it be what it is. Way to get coaching anyways, just the act of writing in is very powerful. You’ve done some great work here. How have you felt since writing this all out?

I notice in your model that you may be mixing in a bit of nervous system activation with your thoughts. Check in with your body. In what ways is this fear primal? How is your brain thinking not doing well=death?  Do a bit of gentle exploring there. Now, how can you support your nervous system?  This will help you better be able to move forward with your next steps.

This all happened as it should. And it’s ok that it doesn’t feel like it right now.

I love your idea for a result. Whenever you are ready, go ahead and get that intentional model going. No rush. You’re already on your way.

C:

T:

F:

A:

R: I present confident and proud at the defense