feeling over-responsible at work

I have been working for a small business which is in its very early stages and is having a few wobbles, financially. It is a very small team and I am essentially the right-hand woman for the director. The director herself has been having some personal challenges in relationships and the business has had a few setbacks from unfortunate circumstances. However, I am also beginning to see that the director is sometimes not making the best-informated decisions and is close to burnout. There have been occasions where I haven’t been paid my monthly salary for a few weeks and this has not been communicated well. I find myself saying yes to things that I probably don’t want to do and feel a strong sense of responsibility (considering I have only been working there for just over half a year). I am feeling like it is triggering other places in my life where I have/have had too much responsibility (or taken on too much responsibility). I am struggling to set boundaries. whilst also feeling competent, rewarded and validated in my role. My question is about how to set boundaries in a work setting and how to leave work responsibility at the door when I get home. Here is my first model.

C: Work is quite a stressful place to be right now
T: I don’t want to go to work
F: Dread
A: I put on a brave face and pretend that things are fine and don’t say no when I should. I am not speaking my truth at work and therefore I sort of suffer in silence
R: I feel undervalued and taken advantage of

 

Answer:

This is a great start to your model. Let’s clean it up a bit to be very clear.

The C has to have facts that everybody would agree upon. Not everybody would think work is stressful. Are there facts that you think are stressful. We can put that as the thought, because that is probably the reason that you don’t want to go to work. So the model looks like this:

C: Work
T: It is a stressful place right now
F: Dread
A: Do not express what I don’t like, say yes to do things that I don’t want to do, pretend that I am fine, judge the director, judge myself, don’t set boundaries
R: I create stress by not honoring myself now.

It is not work that is creating stress. It is what you think about it.

Sometimes an exercise that creates some awareness is to go back and see what you wrote is a fact and what is a thought. The facts in your statement are:
1. You have a job that you have been at for 6 months
2. You have a boss
3. You have been paid after the previously agreed upon time X times

Everything else is a thought. It does not make it wrong, or something you should not think. It just means that they are not facts. What comes up when you notice this?

Lastly, you mention wanting to feel competent, rewarded, and validated in your role stops you from making boundaries. Why?

It sounds as if you are looking for the response of others or the outcomes of what you do to create those feelings. The truth is those feeling are created by what you think. Somebody may say something complimentary about your work, but that is not what makes you feel rewarded. It is what you think about those words. For example, if you did not believe that persons words, you would not feel validated. It comes from what you think. You can think those same things without waiting for others to say something. You can look at what you do, and ask yourself, how am I competent at my job?

Once you own how you feel about your work, then it is easier to see what you need in regards to boundaries. Boundaries do not change how well you do your job. They actually do the opposite. So where do you need to set those boundaries?