Feelings about other people’s decisions

My nephew is getting married and an invitation has been made to my aunty and two of her children but not the other two (my aunty had assumed everyone was invited and talked to all her children about this). I feel bad on the part of my aunty and two un-invited children and embarrassed for my sister who I suppose I am “blaming” for this decision. Whilst I am totally aware none of this decision-making is my concern and will not reflect on me in any way, I am realising that I am strongly programmed to take on the responsibility for the conduct of the members of my close family. Maybe my birth-family standard was “whatever you do reflects upon the whole family”.

My UM looks like this:
C: Aunty and two of her four children are invited to my nephew’s wedding
T: It is so embarrassing that two cousins have been left out (for my sister but also potentially for me and my mother)
F: Anxious
S: Butterflies in stomach
A: Ruminate about this; worry how it will look to the rest of the family; imagine and worry about how the non-invited cousins must be feeling; worry how my next interactions with the cousins that were not invited and what I should/shouldn’t say; worry that my mother might make inappropriate comments.
R: I am embarrassed

The IM I am trying to create looks like this:

C: Aunty and two of her four children are invited to my nephew’s wedding
T: How interesting that my reaction is one of embarrassment
F: Curious
S: More open, aware of my shallow breathing
A: Think about how this must be for my sister and nephew; realise that it’s not my business to comment on this decision as it is personal to them and the event; explore why my knee-jerk reaction is to feel embarrassed; try to understand myself and my motivations.
R: I am not emotionally over-involved in the situation.

How do I cultivate the mindset that I am not responsible for other people’s actions and that their actions do not reflect on me (as long as I have acted in accordance with my standards)? Perhaps by working on my standards, eg:

• I will make decisions according to my standards and not society’s/my family’s expectations.
• I will not try to influence/get involved with other people’s decisions unless requested.

Any comments and further advice gratefully received!

 

 

Answer:

What is embarrassing about this? You can always take the thought in your unintentional model and ask yourself Why? Or Why is this a problem for me? Or even, So, what? What am I making it mean? Your model is good but I think you could get more clarity if you ask a few more questions. Then your model would look like this. Don’t judge or edit your answers.

C:Aunty and two of her four children are invited to my nephew’s wedding

T: Insert answer to exploration questions

F: Embarrassed

S: how does this feel in your body?

A: how do you show up when you are embarrassed? What do you do or not do?

R: What is your result?

See what you find this way, and bring back any questions or models for more coaching.