Fertility & recurring pregnancy loss

Dear team, I am currently trying to recover from my third miscarriage within the past ~3 years, and I am having a really hard time trusting my body again.

I have had three pregnancies and none have progressed further than week 9. We have had a terribly hard time conceiving and have been in fertility treatment for the past 2.5 years, had everything checked, did ALL the recommended diagnostics which all came back negative, i.e. there is nothing wrong with us health wise. None of the more “natural” ways (timed intercourse, IUI) resulted in us conceiving. So when our second try at ICSI resulted in a pregnancy we were tentatively optimistic that it would keep this time. The fertility doctor said that when an embryo makes it this far and there is a strong heartbeat and my hormone levels are what they were, there is only a less that 10% chance of miscarriage. I did have a fair amount of first trimester symptoms (nausea, tiredness, sensitivity to smells, breast sensitivity) which was different from the first two pregnancies, hence my tentative optimism. But then the symptoms receded and, as I had gotten to know my body really well over the past couple years, I just knew something was wrong; had it checked and my bad feeling was confirmed. The little heart that had been beating so strong for the first 8+ weeks had stopped.

We have already decided that we will try ICSI again, and it most likely will work again. But with every failed pregnancy, and even every failed attempt at conceiving, my thoughts revolve around: What are we doing wrong? This is fucking unfair! I hate being part of every shit statistics there is when it comes to pregnancy loss! Why me? Why do we have to go through this? Why is it so easy and free for some people to get pregnant and we have to go through this shitty experience over and over again? If only there was something wrong with us on a health level that would explain the repeated miscarriages! I can’t be around other people. As much as I can appreciate other people’s pregnancies and their little wonders, I at the same time hate them for it (hate is too strong a word though. I don’t hate anyone, but it’s really hard for me to see pregnant folks or people with infants). I feel like a failure. When will it be my turn? I don’t want to be strong and resilient anymore, I want to have my miracle!

It gets harder and harder to trust my body, as at the moment I just feel really detached from it. I have also recognized that my nervous system seems to have shut down and only open the shutters every once in a while to let me experience my emotions in small installments. But when the shutters open I feel despair, heavy, sad, mad, devastated, disheartened, pessimistic, pain…

I want to go into another round of fertility treatment in a mindset that is relaxed, open, and optimistic. So I guess the question that’s hidden in here is: How can I find my way back to feeling love and trust for myself and my body? How can I be reunited with my sense of self and my body when all I want to do is curl up and not see or talk to anyone and hide from myself?

 

Answer:

You mentioned feeling detached from your body, your nervous system shutting down, and experiencing emotions in small installments – what are your thoughts about this happening? And what do you make of it?

Bring back what you find and we can continue to coach!