fighting my todo’s

These last couple of months I have been struggling to follow my own plans, often playing tug of war between what I wanted to do with the day and what I want to do in the moment, ignoring the time, disappearing in a book, and getting frustrated because every day feels like a fight with myself. I am not really sure why, I still enjoy the work I do as much as I did 6 months ago when I just got my stuff done. The only partial theories I have are that I spent years forcing myself to work through pain and hit a point where I just don’t want to follow plans anymore but that doesn’t really sit right. Another option is that now that I am finally better I worry about overloading my system again because I have the capacity to do more work or that it is finally sinking in that this isn’t what I truly wanted to do. Though my inability to get to other stuff as well probably might suggest that I am worried about crossing back into the land of the well and am somehow hiding from responsibility/ working towards something that will get taken away again or just need more fun and other activities now that I am better. I don’t really know and I also don’t really care why it’s happening in a way, I just want to be able to not feel like I am failing or fighting or avoiding every day. I have tried just not making to-do lists and just working on whatever I want but that didn’t help. I tried making things more fun and allowing for long breaks where I can mentally check out but doesn’t make me feel much better either. I can see what I want to do and what would feel better but some part of me is refusing like a stupid toddler. It’s also quite hard for me to think about it logically or from a more detached angle which is why I wrote it all down and sent it in. I am hoping that talking/writing things through helps me to stop spinning and find a way get all parts of my brain back on the same page.

 

 

Answer:

 

This sounds like such an important thing to explore for yourself. I wonder, actually, if what you’re experiencing is a kind of transformation where you’re shedding one identity and leaning into another, and things that once felt easy now feel hard or uninteresting. Why do you want to explore this issue now? What problems or challenges is it bringing up for you? How are you starting to think about yourself? And now for the kicker question…what if it’s not a problem that you’re going through this change? In what ways is it a beautiful thing for you?

Maisie just did a podcast about navigating the void in which she talks very candidly about some of the transitions she’s undergone lately and what it’s like to fully and presently experience the transition. I have a feeling it might resonate with you! Check out Episode 188 of The Maisie Hill Podcast and notice what comes up for you.