Fighting the need to be liked

Hey there AAC,

You might be seeing a lot of me in the next few months! As I’m reaching the messy middle of this very busy work period, I’m feeling the need to reach out for coaching. In advance, thank you – and appreciate you for being here in a highly accessible way for me during this busy time.

So – what I’d love coaching on today is how to get away from the need to be liked. I’m working on the middle of three theatre shows as a director. This current show should in many ways be easy as it is a remount (we’ve done the show before), but this time it’s in a different theatre where I have never worked before. My team are all with me (performer, lighting, sound, design, etc) and are amazing but the artistic director of the building is proving quite challenging. He’s in his 50s, he’s a straight white man, he seems to be almost blissfully unaware that the show we’re doing is about racism and the legacy of empire.

Frustratingly, he has really taken against my lighting designer, who is extremely talented as well as being a person with autism. This artistic director is reading all her autistic modes of expression as combative – which of course, they are not. I’ve been trying to protect them both from each other, and it’s causing me to feel exhausted and a bit despairing. Yesterday, the artistic director was very rude and unprofessional about her in the room – just one of many frustrating ways he’s behaved. (I can’t get away from the fact this is also problematic racialised as my lighting design is a Black person and I am a white person). I’ve done some thought downloads on this but I’m struggling with ruminating about it, just showing up and doing my job. Here’s the model I think best to bring in this moment:

Unintentional
C: Artistic Director talking about how expensive the technical rehearsal time is in the room
T: He thinks I don’t know what I am doing
F: Humiliation
S: Skin crawling, nausea
A: Spend time trying to get him to like me and impress him telling him about my previous credentials, when I describe my work history speak relationally to other white men rather than about my own achievements, ruminate and beat myself up, don’t focus on the work
R: Make us being behind on the schedule, which we are, mean that I am bad at my job and he thinks so

Intentional
C: Artistic Director talking about how expensive the technical rehearsal is in the room
T: I wonder if he is feeling anxious about the show
F: Curious
S: Uplifted heart
A: Balance focus and drive and lead the team
R: Allow people to have their own feelings while leading with skill

As you can probably tell, I’m not completely convinced by this intentional model. I would love some help with ladder thoughts to take the focus away from him and towards the work. It’s driving me crazy!

Answer:

These are great starting spots. I have two questions about your UM. What comes up for you when you look at your UM? Do you have any lightbulbs turn on or things that pique your curiosity about yourself when you examine it?

And now to your IM…I wonder what else there is to get curious about, or wonder about, when it comes to you and your work or your role in it. If the artistic director was only allowed to be mentioned in the C line, what would the rest of your model look like? This is one way to approach a new model that focuses less on him and more on your work. When you play around with the model, it might help you uncover some new ideas.