Finding Forgiveness

Hi coaches,

I recently was presented with a very difficult decision. It was difficult for me because it meant navigating a situation that has been historically very challenging. I knew for sometime that the decision was coming and I tried some of the flow collective techniques to help me feel free and empowered. I had a deep inner knowing that the answer for me was a strong NO, and I wanted to find an alternative choice.

The decision was not mine alone, it also involved my partner. Leading up to the deadline, I tried my best to highlight our options and bring forward my concerns regarding the decision. Often when I brought up the decision, my partner would get upset and share how overwhelmed and powerless he felt. My constant was reminding him that we had other options and we needed to remain open. I left most of these discussions feeling overwhelmed myself and felt that I was starting believe him… he was right… there wasn’t another option.

I could see my mind becoming very narrow. As the deadline approached, I found myself feeling more and more that I didn’t have a choice. Around this time I started to have trouble sleeping. Sleep difficulties are very often a clue for me that I am needing to tune-in with myself about a situation. Often, I usually do, I coach myself or meditate, and this is always beneficial. I want to say that every time I do this, take a step back and tune-in, I come out with more clarity, more confidence and empowerment and the sleep issues resolve.

But for some reason, this time, I ignored that inner call and gave into a series of beliefs: I don’t have a choice, My dreams and vision for my life are not possible, I’m delusional, I’m not being realistic.

I ignored that inner knowing and impulse that the decision was a “no” and convinced myself that it was what I had to do.

It has been two months since we made the decision, and being on the other side of it, I can say unequivocally, that inner knowing was not wrong. It was very wise and the invitation to ignore it came from very limited beliefs.

Not only were the concerns valid and proved to be very accurate, by saying yes and overriding my knowing, I put myself in a very dangerous position. One of the concerns I had was about how this decision would put me at risk of seeing specific family members from my past who have abused me. Because of this decision and a series of subsequent ones coming from that same place of limitation, I suddenly found myself back in a situation that I have been working for years to protect myself from.

In addition to that, there was a significant financial loss that my partner and I experienced because of this decision. One that I still am feeling grief about.

I’ve found my way back slowly to enacting those same boundaries I had, and I’m very proud of how I navigated things once I realized that I hadn’t made the decision from a good place. It’s been a lot of work navigating those negative beliefs that landed me in this situation, they seem to float around these days and are still present.

I feel my inner trust has strengthened but I am finding myself ruminating on what happened and why. I find myself going into blame often. Blaming myself, blaming my partner, blaming some external factor. And it’s making me feel very tired. How could I begin to let this go? Should I focus on the positives? How do I find forgiveness for myself?

 

 

Answer:

Sometimes we have to go down the “wrong” road in order to clarify what our path forward needs to be.  In this season of mourning be extremely gentle with yourself. It’s ok that your brain wants to blame and shame you and others. It’s ok that you’re ruminating.  It’s ok that you’re a human who said yes when they wanted to say no.

I notice in your story that you’ve left out most of the key details and that’s perfectly fine. Thank you for submitting your question, it’s such a huge win! In your own self coaching, we would encourage you to be very specific. Don’t edit or judge the thoughts and feelings that come out. Give them a voice. Let them be messy, even scary. We want to shine a light in the darkness in order to see what’s really happening. You can burn your papers later.

As you work through this, towards your goal of finding forgiveness, here’s a question to think about: What if the price of learning this lesson was X dollars/pounds? You didn’t waste your money at all. That’s not even possible. Everything is happening for you.  In the moment, if you can’t see this, it’s ok. We usually can’t because we have human brains. Be gentle.  Just explore it a bit. Anything you find, come back for more coaching.