Finding self worth to end a toxic relationship

Hello,

I’ve had a very emotional weekend processing my family history/inner child wounds and unpacking the lack of self love/worth that has been keeping me in (led me back to) a toxic, emotionally abusive relationship. An unconscious belief that I have became clear to me, that I will never have the emotionally attuned relationship that I’m longing for. I’ve built an Unintentional Model around it, and have attempted to find an Intentional Model and ladder thoughts to help me find the self love to end the relationship, for real this time. (FYI I’m new to TFC and haven’t practiced the models much, so I might have got them mixed up somewhere along the way.)

Unintentional Model
C: I’m in a (toxic) relationship
T: I will never have the relationship that I’m longing for
F: Grief, distress, hopeless, unworthy, not enough. (I feel all of these but I think at the core of it is ‘not enoughness’)
A: I get triggered by A LOT of his behaviour, I keep working at it, keep working on myself, keep appealing to him to change/work on himself.
R: I put up with a lot of pain and stay in the relationship.

Intentional Model
C: I’m in a relationship
T: I am enough
F: Conviction, peace.
A: I accept that this relationship isn’t what I want, that our values don’t align, and I am able to honour my boundaries
R: I don’t stay in the relationship.

I find this intentional model REALLY hard to reach. Even the ladder thought of ‘I am open to believing that I am enough’ is a challenge. I think this has something to do with the fact that the longing for and belief that I deserve an emotionally attuned relationship tips into ‘I need a relationship to complete me’ and my brain interprets ‘I am enough’ as I will/should be alone. I find it hard to reconcile the longing for that connection with someone, with believing that I am enough on my own.

Can you help me unpack/resolve this?

 

Answer:

Let’s start by looking at your models. Your unintentional model is a great start. To keep the C factual, we would not use the word toxic. I think you know that, because you put it in parentheses. What may be more helpful is to put some facts of things said or done that you interpret as toxic.

Your result in the unintentional model is good. Here is another one to consider. R: I will never have the relationship I am longing for (with myself or anyone else). What do you think about that?

Your submission is about your relationship with someone else, but underneath it all it sounds like this is about your relationship with yourself. And it is 100% possible for you to have an emotionally attuned relationship with yourself.

For the intentional model, the R is good again. Here is another one to consider. R: I know that I have had enough. How does that feel?

You have a very astute observation that you want a connection and thinking you are enough don’t feel like they can go together. How is it possible for both of these things be true together?

I think to be able to start believing your intentional model, you have to understand what it means to be “enough” to you? Why would you want to believe that?