Finding socialising hard

Hello!

I sometimes find socialising quite difficult and can often feel quite intimidated or simply like I don’t fit in. I might already deem the situation to be one that I won’t enjoy before giving it a chance. I have moved to a new place and haven’t quite found my community. I am 25 and lots of people my age like to drink quite a lot and I find this doesn’t make me feel very good to next day and in order to support my oestrogen detoxification, I am practically not drinking at all. Below is a little coaching model (still quite new to this so any pointers would be great).

C: Socialising with a big group of new people
T: They won’t like me, I won’t like them – I won’t like it
F: Abnormal, like I don’t fit in like I won’t find my community
A: Feel shy, come across quite cold, get judgement of them
R: I don’t try and establish a community which is exactly what I want

Thanks so much!

 

Answer:

Well done with one of your first models! Here are a few tips to make the model more potent:

C: Make this as factual as possible, with as little room for interpretation as you can create. The words to watch out for in your C are ‘socializing’ and ‘big’. Get specific, for example, “Having conversations in a group of 50 new people.”

T: Choose one thought to go in the T line. “They won’t like me.”

F: Choose one feeling. “Abnormal”

A: Leave feelings in the F line. “Act shy, come across quite cold, judge them, don’t try to establish a connection or a community, do the opposite of what I want.”

R: Notice that I put your R in your A line…can you see how it’s something you don’t do? Your R line is always connected directly to your T line. As such, I’d pose that the result you create in this model is: “I don’t like me in these situations, and it makes it easier to believe that others won’t like me either.”

I know I gave quite a bit of feedback, but it’s simply refinements. You did a fine job on your first go! How does this land for you?

Think for a moment about how you would like to feel in these social settings. What thoughts create that feeling for you? What actions would you take if you felt that way? Conversely, what wouldn’t you do? What result would taking these actions create for you and how is that tied to your T? Once you have this model, your Intentional Model, consider one way you can start practicing thinking that way about yourself in a safe, or safer setting than a big social gathering. Baby steps are sometimes crucial parts of our big growth. You don’t have to dive into the deep end to make impactful change. When you’re ready for more coaching on this, come back with a submission titled “Socializing pt. 2”.