Finding zen going into next ICSI try

Hello lovely coaches,

I am going into my next try at ICSI in my next cycle and am finding myself feeling a lot of pressure. My thoughts revolve around: This has to work. This is our last chance. I need to get out of my head. I want to be pregnant and want it to stick. I want this to work more than anything. I should relax. I shouldn’t worry so much.

A bit of context: I’ve had a first trimester miscarriage three years ago. Afterwards, after about 6 months of TTC we went into fertility treatment. I have since had a bio-chemical pregnancy and a successful ICSI cycle that ended in another first trimester miscarriage. So when our recent ICSI cycle failed and it turned out that there were no embryos left for freezing I was devastated and immediately felt the pressure of this next try. This will be the last one that is partially paid for by our insurance.

My feelings at the moment skip around quite a lot, but I fell the pressure of the significance of this next try. I feel nervous, and not quite aligned with my sense of self, like there are barriers in my head that prevent me from being relaxed and open to any outcome. I tell myself that the outcome doesn’t matter but I don’t believe that. I also get hyper-focused on this next try and try to think of all the things I can ”do right“ to influence the outcome.

When I feel like this I ruminate a lot, go down thought spirals of ”we will never have kids“, I almost religiously watch my diet (e.g. protein intake, vitamin intake, hydration, limit sugar and alcohol etc.), meditate, tell myself all will be well and not believe it.

What I would love is to go into this next ICSI cycle grounded, relaxed, without the pressure of it having to work. I wish I had a zen attitude towards the outcome.

However, my desire to have children is so strong to begin with. And I want to share family life with my parents – who are the best set of parents I could wish for. I feel bad for them because they are constantly being asked if they have grandchildren, which they don’t. Out of my siblings and me, I am the only one who is actively trying to start a family. So I think a lot of the pressure comes from feeling like I am the only one who is in the position to “continue the family line“. I feel like I am failing. Failing my husband, myself, my parents… And I feel like time is running out.

I wish I could let go – of the pressure, of the expectations, of the thought that this has to work because I want to give my parents the joy of having grandchildren.

 

 

Answer:

What if you just stopped telling yourself you need to be relaxed and open to any outcome?  This sounds like a lovely goal but it’s not helping you at all. Give yourself permission to be nervous and super invested in the outcome. Stop using your reasons against yourself. You really want a living baby. You want to see your parents as grandparents. Those are very compelling reasons to keep. It’s ok to want something so badly you are willing to do whatever it takes. Lots of people might choose to stop trying, but not you. When I read what you’ve written the feeling I get about you is how fiercely you want this. Own it.

If you just let yourself be totally aligned with what you want and came from a feeling of confidence in YOURSELF rather than everything outside of you, what would be different?

C: upcoming ICSI

T: What do you need to think to allow yourself to feel this way?

F: fierce (or whatever feeling you want)

A: What will you do or not do to get it?

R: Start here: what do you really want for yourself?

Sometimes our brain tries to protect us by telling us not to get our hopes up. You get to decide if you want to listen to that or not.