Freelance burnout pt. 2

“feelings that bring you a sense of calm and joy”

What a beautiful notion! This sparked something inside of me and made me realise that while I have always been striving towards joy, I am missing the calm. The sense of urgency was and is still very present. I have been trying to be very conscious of this since I read your reply. If I have the slightest ball of anxiety or any other kind of “bad” feeling, I now try to stop and listen to it instead of pushing on, as I used to do. It resulted in a lot of almost daily crying and I continue my intense journey of self-discovery. It’s exhausting, but I know it’s important work. But now, it’s like, the more I rest, the more I rest.

I am trying to accept that rest is an activity and not compare my worth to my productivity – boy is that hard! That sense of calm and joy that you mentioned is now my minimum baseline, and I spend a lot of days doing “nothing” – but actually doing a lot: sleeping, writing, cooking, playing with the dog, being there for my friends, working through coaching replays, meditating, crying – so much crying. I am realising that I need rest. I followed the autumn workshop (and the self-love one, and somatics, and coaching replays… how does my brain keep telling me I’m doing “nothing”?) and these were my three rocks:
– Checking in with myself daily and slowing down.
– Taking care of myself
– Writing
I need time to recover from whatever happened this summer, and probably from these last two years in general to be honest. I am still in the midst of accepting that I have some kind of neurodivergency, and remembering each day something from my childhood that confirms it. But some days it is really hard to take myself seriously, to not give in to self doubt and feelings of guiltiness for not getting up earlier and getting things done, as I used to my whole life. I ask myself, when did I start living like this? I know that I need to be in bed by 10, and if I’m woken before 7.30, there’s this fog that accompanies me throughout the morning. It’s hard to accept that I need more sleep than the average person, to not feel guilty for needing more sleep, and I don’t know why I feel that way. Two days ago I tried to nap in the afternoon, and WHILE I was trying to sleep, I kept looking forward to going to bed at night. Brain, you ARE trying to sleep right now, why do you dream of sleep? In my family, we always have been big sleepers, and I saw my mother napping regularly. I also know now that if indeed I am neurodivergent, that might be a big reason for why I am so often tired. I don’t know why I internalised that that’s a bad thing.

I want to be creative, I have a drive inside of me that wants to be doing all the things, but at the same time I am feeling exhausted by the mere thought of taking action. My friend asked me today: if I were to take a perfect dream holiday right now, where would I go and what would I do. My answer was to be alone and sleep.

I feel very alone in my neurodivergent self-discovery. I have this one friend whom I can confide in, who is basically going through the same struggles – but I can’t talk to my family nor my other friends, because I don’t feel acknowledged. I get “everyone is like that” or unsollicited advice that I know won’t work for me. Even confiding in my boyfriend sometimes feels hard, because I am afraid he might judge me for being weak and needing help (he won’t). I am aware that I know myself best, but similarly to like what Maisie spoke about in her identity shift episode, how others look at me can make me feel raw and very vulnerable right now. I feel like some teenager, raging against the world, “nobody understands me!”. I probably just need to give it more time.

I am not sure what I am expecting from this, I have no exact question, but I felt like following up. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this.

 

Answer:

I love your acknowledgments of what role resting plays in your life and how you are prioritizing it. Remember, developing new neural pathways after decades of believing one thing about rest is not guaranteed to feel easy – it might even feel like fully bushwhacking in the dark at times. But it is so worth it, especially as you explore this new realization that you may be neurodiverse.
I wonder if the “Nobody understands me” thought is actually you re-learning how to understand yourself as you are navigating this neurodivergent path of self-discovery. When you think about it this way, what comes up? Notice what thoughts and feelings burble to the surface and bring your realizations back to us for more coaching when you’re ready.
Lastly, the Flow Collective Facebook community is such a wonderful place to find support, camaraderie, and understanding on the subject of being neurodivergent. I can assure you that you are not alone here, and the community will be a place for you to find comfort and connection.