frictions in friendship pt 2

Thanks for your response to this.

I think your suggested UM is pretty close; although I don’t think I’m second guessing myself but I am second guessing the friendship.
And my thought was more on the lines of “how dare she question my intentions when all I’ve ever done is care for her”, which I realised assumed that my actions would influence her thoughts and behaviour, which obviously isn’t necessarily the case. Sometimes people perceive our actions as we intend them, but often they also don’t. And that’s ok, that’s life. So I think there’s the intentional thought that I thankfully find quite easy to believe!
I’d started to come to the realisation over the weekend already that this feeling was probably trying to tell me that I’ve been a bit over-responsible at times in this relationship – although this second guessing my intentions is new, in the past she has often reacted emotionally for not responding immediately, to which I have responded with reassurance that I don’t need or expect immediate responses.
Another thing that helped is that I read through some of the other submissions here, and came across one about someone feeling guilty about not being as available to their loved ones because they wanted to focus on work and career progression. It made me think that it’s quite possible something similar is going on with my friend, and she is also not very good at saying no. So I suspect that her snapping at me is a symptom of not knowing how to say no, which is funny, cause I would be quite happy for her to tell me “hey sorry I don’t have headspace for this right now” and I’d just say, ok cool you look after yourself, and we’ll talk when you can.
I also listened to the latest podcast episode with Maggie Reyes, and I really resonated with the concept of “the most loving thing you can do for someone is to let them be in their consequences”.
Together with the realisation that I have often been over-responsible in this relationship in the past, I realised that what the hurt feeling was telling me is that it’s time to set a new, clear boundary when it comes to our communication:
1. If I ask her about doing something and she doesn’t respond within 24 hours, I will assume it is a no and make other plans.
2. I’ll make it clear one last time that it’s perfectly ok if she doesn’t have headspace to talk to me/spend time with me, but that I am still allowed to be sad about it. I have been telling her that I miss her, and I wonder whether she has taken that as me guilt-tripping her, even though I have intended nothing else but to express how I feel. I think she’s not used to that from other relationships that someone can express how they feel without expecting the other person to take responsibility for it. (From my side, me saying I miss someone is an expression of how much I care for them – not an expectation that they do something so we can spend more time together.)
3. If from now on she responds in a snappy, defensive way, I will disengage because I don’t think that’s fair towards me.
Once I figured this out, I felt a lot better about the situation.

I do have another question related to this situation: how do I know where to draw the line between empathy and being over-responsible? I have realised that I sometimes fall into a pattern of trying to regulate other people because I learned as a child “if I can regulate others, then I am safe”. I have become a lot better at spotting this pattern and disengaging from it, but in cases like this I find the lines quite blurry. I think I am extending empathy to my friend, but I can see how me trying to see where my friend might be coming from in her reaction could also be a symptom of over-responsibility.

 

Answer:

Wonderful. I’m so glad to hear that you’ve found a few thoughts and actions that you feel good about having and taking with this situation.
About your question, empathy is the ability to understand and, oftentimes, actively share another’s thoughts and emotions and experience. Your ability to extend this to the people you love does not make you responsible for their distress, its origins, or it’s resolution. Can you identify any thoughts or feelings that are often associated with over-resposibility for you? One way to envision this is to think about climbing over a garden wall with your friend. If you’re helping her, what would you be doing and offering? If you were being over-responsible for her getting over the wall, what would you be doing? How can you apply this metaphor to your regular interactions?

Lastly, check out episode 34 of the podcast – Taking Unnecessary Responsibility. Come back for more coaching with what you discover in part 3 of this submission.