Frictions in Friendship pt 3

Thanks again for your feedback, and I went back and relistened to the whole 3 part series of responsibility on the podcast.
I have been thinking about this, and whilst I do find the metaphor helpful, I still feel a bit stuck on this. I don’t actually feel like I’ve been ‘dragging my friend over the wall’ – and I do know what that feels like, as I can definitely recall occasions where this has happened with my mother, but that’s a different topic. With my friend it feels more like, I point out a wall to her, ask if she’d like some help, she agrees and I give her a leg-up but she mostly gets over the wall herself. While keeping with this metaphor, it feels a bit more like I’m tired of being the one pointing out the wall and offering the leg-up, but I’m not sure what this is telling me. Is this still a sign of me being over-responsible, or is this telling me that I am not looking after myself enough in this relationship and that’s why I get ‘tired’ of doing this? I do want to be a helpful friend. I did realise that with this ‘tiredness’ sometimes comes an UM involving the though “she still hasn’t learned how to spot this wall & get over it herself”, which leads to feelings of impatience and irritability. But this one I usually catch quite early and shift myself into an IM using the thought “it’s human to have repeated stumbling blocks” which creates the patience and compassion I usually bring to my relationships. But I don’t think these models quite get to what’s underlying this sense of “I’m tired of this”. Help?

 

 

Answer:

Is it possible that pointing out the proverbial wall to her in your relationship is the wall in this scenario? You’re feeling irritable and impatient when you think, “She still hasn’t learned how to spot this wall and get over it herself” and you don’t know what that means – are you over-responsible or are you not looking after yourself enough?
Let’s do away with the labels for a minute. For this moment, you’re not over-responsible or negligent of your needs, you’re just having a reaction to realizing, “I’m tired of being the one who points stuff out and offers to be a helpful friend.” What if figuring out what’s underlying this sense of, “I’m tired of this,” isn’t actually the most pressing thing to sort out at this point, and what is pressing is recognizing that this is something that needs your attention and some decisiveness if you want to to feel differently in your relationship to her?
What comes up when you think about this?