Friend withdrawing

Hi coaches,
Please could I have help with this model?

c- friendship with Alice
T – she never makes any effort to do things together
F – rejected
A – organise things for us myself
A – feel annoyed
A – question her feelings towards me
A – withdraw
A – crave closeness again
R – insecure in our friendship

I think the bottom line is, I don’t know how close she wants to be in our friendship because she has a tendency to blow hot and cold. Sometimes we’re inseparable and she’s saying I’m the best friend she’s ever had, and the next we hardly speak for weeks. My natural reaction would be to talk to her about how I feel but I don’t want to then push myself on her if this is the way she wants it to be!

 

 

Answer:

It would be helpful to pick the last time you felt rejected and do a model on the very specific situation. You’ll be able to pull out a lot of thoughts and find more clarity on what is happening for you.  “friendship with Alice” is broad and subjective.  What are your beliefs about friendship? What should it look like? It sounds like you’ve got a manual or set of rules you think Alice should follow.  When she doesn’t, your brain makes it mean all sorts of things.

We would definitely encourage you to work on your own side before coming into a conversation with her. It can be very powerfulto notice what we are creating for ourselves. Then decide what we want, then create it.  You’re looking for a feeling. What do you think it is? Instead of needing her to behave a certain way so you can have the feeling, what if you chose it first and used it to show up as the friend you want to be in this relationship?