Friends + Vaccine Politics

Making friends/belonging has always been tough for me. In the fall, I was invited to a virtual group to work through The Artist’s Way book. I decided to join for the social aspect. It is a nice group of people, friendly and open. But I’ve learned our views on the pandemic/vaccines are very different. [I know this can be a divisive subject so I won’t get too specific about it.] At the beginning, I kind of thought my way through it and decided what I was comfortable with and decided to continue.
But more recently I learned some group members are doing things that are quite out of alignment with my core values. I feel really disappointed that this group isn’t what I thought it was. It feels like the actions don’t match up with the people I’ve been getting to know.
Every time the subject comes up, I feel out of place.
This past week some members were joking around in our group chat about something that really upset me and I kind of snapped and asked them not to assume we all feel the same way about these things and if they could please keep that in mind in future. They were really great about it and apologized. I want to be accepting of others, to allow space for human complexity, but my values are also very important to me. Fighting for what I believe in is something I want to be doing more of in my life. At the same time, I’m feeling seen and accepted, which is something I have struggled with in the past and still working on. So, I’m of two minds. One – wondering if I’m ignoring red flags and what I believe in for the sake of fitting in. And two – am I making this more than it needs to be so I have an out and can stay in my story of not belonging? Both feel equally true at the moment.

Thanks 🙂

Answer:

When we feel out of place, our brains and our bodies interpret that as a threat to our security – it’s kept humans alive for thousands of years. Although you’re not being threatened by imminent death in this situation, the same nervous system response system is being activated. I can’t overstate this enough: this is a totally natural human experience (check out Maisie’s Creating Safety webinar and calls from October 2021 in the Call Replays tab for more info on this!).

I wonder if this response is being triggered because of the Ts you have about having made a request of the group? You did something that you want to practice more of, and often, when we do new things we feel very, VERY vulnerable, aka, unsafe. Again, this is so. very. natural.

Let’s take a look at one of your thoughts for a moment. You said, “I decided to join for the social aspect.” What aspect were you most excited or curious about? In other words, what were your expectations or hopes? What is happening with those now?

If this was a social experiment for you (to frame it differently), what have you learned about yourself? What has been enlightening and what has been challenging or downright unpleasant and why? Is it possible to enjoy socializing with people who do not share your beliefs about the pandemic and vaccines? Why or why not?Answering these questions may help you answer the questions that you posed at the end of your post. What do you discover?

I also want to point out your Thought that “vaccines/the pandemic are very divisive” – we hear it so often, especially in the last couple of years, but it really is just a thought; what models that thought has created?

Come back for more coaching!