Friends who want children/more children

TW: miscarriage and fertility challenges
I would like support with some thoughts that are coming up for me around friends I have who are either struggling with fertility issues or are single and want children.
I have a couple of friends who I met when we had our first children, I now have a second child and they are both struggling with fertility challenges and have had miscarriages. I also have a miscarriage between pregnancy’s and I was able to connect with them and support them around this.
I also have friends I know would love kids and it hasn’t happened for them yet, I feel like as we all more into our late 30s the pressure on them is huge and I worry that me and my kids are a reminder of this and it’s painful for them. I’m aware this sounds mega egotistical and I am mind reading! I’m also getting married this year and somehow celebrating my family life in this public way is heightening these feelings.

Unintentional
C: My friends want children/more children. I have two children
T: It must be painful to be around me and we will loose connection in our friendship
F: guilty
A: become awkward around them, notice things like no kisses in a text and make it mean something
R: our friendship is less authentic

Intentional model

C: my friends want children/more children. I have two children.
T: I can support my friends wants and live my own life
F: free
A: I listen to my friends, I celebrated myself without feeling guilty
R: I connect with my friends authentically

I think a thought ladder might be helpful as that intentional thought feels like a stretch.

Thanks in advance for your help

 

Answer:

I think that you have some keen insight into this, and that you are on the right track with getting to your IM. Let’s take a look at the R line of your UM.

I would guess that your R in your UM is actually that it’s painful for you to be around you and that you lose connection with yourself. What comes up for you when read that?

Next, let’s have a look at the R line of your IM.  I would guess that this is actually that you support your friends wants while enjoying your life. What do you think? Do you see how both of these proposed R lines are directly connected to your T lines?

Before we jump into building a ladder to climb, let’s dig deeper into your desire to connect authentically to your friends. This is very clearly something you want to cultivate and grow. So, try building a model from the bottom up (going from the R line to the T line).

C: my friends want children/more children. I have two children.

T:

F:

A:

R: Connect with my friends authentically

I want you to specifically focus on how the T is different in this model compared to the original one.

Bring back what you discover and we can continue with this coaching.