I’m back for part 2. First of all: thank you so much for noticing the epicness in all of this ánd for reminding me of it! It feels like a hell of a ride and I’m definitely celebrating myself for * all of it *.
Your questions were really helpful as well and here is what came up for me.
Q1. What does ‘the right place’ means to me?
– I feel grounded in myself. My nervous system is calm, ventral vagal (instead of activation). I feel happy, connected, at ease, trusting (instead of anxious, very high in energy, wired).
– How I think and feel about myself is not connected to his reactions or what I think he’s thinking (about me a/o in general). My feeling of self-worth is not tied to him. I feel equal to him, and I feel that as a person I am equally valuable/nice/pretty/funny.
– I feel connected to him as a friend ánd I can let him out of my mind before and after contact. I feel independent and autonomous while being in connection. I experience more mental distance between myself and him. There is a certain space and lightness in the attention I have for him (so no hyperfocus).
– I feel freedom in the frequency and intensity of being in contact (I’m okay with him or me responding or meeting up later). I’m not focused on the timing (unless it’s very different from normal). We’re there for each other when needed or when it’s nice, but we’re also often not in direct contact.
– There are no what-ifs-thoughts, instead I am present in the moment. I see him as the person he is, instead of the potential boyfriend/lover/relationship/life companion he could be. T: ‘How nice that we are friends.’ + ‘I value our friendship and him as a friend deeply.’
Q2. What would I have had to go through to get there?
– Temporary mental and physical distance or no contact, to let go of and break through patterns/addiction.
– Deciding that I want to focus (my attention and energy) on myself.
– Realising and celebrating: a) how amazing it is that I dared to open up and explore this, b) how much space I am creating for myself through doing this (clearing the what-ifs), and c) that by doing so I can now move on, let go and continue to grow.
– Disconnecting T’s-I-have-about-me from him. An independent ‘My value is set’.
– Accepting that I have (had) feelings for him and that I cherished a lot of what-ifs – and that’s okay. It doesn’t need an explanation or analysis.
– Deciding that I don’t need to understand the how & why of the hookup and his point of view – also: I simply can’t. Deciding that I no longer want to think about the what-ifs and that I no longer want to give energy and attention to something that simply isn’t there at the moment. Saying goodbye to the what-ifs and hope.
– Deciding that I want to have a friendship with him. Deciding that it is a friendship. Deciding that I see him as a friend.
Q3. In what ways are you already in exactly the right place on your journey towards a space where you can make your decision with clarity?
I’ve been open about having feelings for him and by doing so I created space for him to open up as well and for the what-if’s to become reality. Instead it thought me that those what-ifs aren’t becoming a reality and that is helpful for me to eventually say goodbye to them. // I’ve called AAC in to help me with figuring out if and how I can return to this friendship – and in this I see an intention to decide that I (want to) see him as my friend. // I am taking time and distancing myself from him. // I try not to feed my unhelpful thoughts (overanalyzing & what-ifs). This is helpful in breaking the focus and letting go of hope. // I’m giving space to my feelings of grief. It feels necessary to process these feelings to move forward and to let go. // I think and dream about all the things I can do now that I’m single. With this I’m creating scenarios and what-ifs in which I’m central and in which he isn’t involved in. // I see and think of myself as a beautiful, unique, valuable and full person. By doing so I’m anchoring my value in myself and detaching it from him.
Q4. Compare your ideas of what you need to go through to get to ‘the right place’ with what you’re experiencing now.
It seems and feels like I’ve been sowing seeds in all the right places and that I’m actually already taking care of some seedlings. Just not yet in terms of accepting and deciding. However, it feels like I do want and ám working towards that. There is relatively a lot of focus on the past instead of the future/forward/present – feels though like this focus is shifting.
After writing this down I later realized that everything is focused on me continuing this friendship. I can imagine there being a reality in which that isn’t possible and that I won’t be able to be in the described ‘right place’ as a friend. So for that I’ll add to the list of Q2:
– Accepting that I have to let go of our friendship if I can’t show up in the described ‘right place’ (some vague what-ifs would be okay, but not in a hyperfocus kinda way and all of the other aspects should be in check).
Thanks thanks thanks for reading along!
I’m ready for more coaching, and am looking forward to your response!
Answer:
Powerful work you have done here. Take some time to celebrate you for opening up like this. Sit with this new direction and the intentions you have set. Just speaking (typing) them into the world will bring you energy. Notice the energy and how it is feeling since writing all of this.
You said: It seems and feels like I’ve been sowing seeds in all the right places and that I’m actually already taking care of some seedlings. Just not yet in terms of accepting and deciding.
Seedlings by nature are tender. Treat yourself accordingly as you nurture the changes you want to make. Seedlings are also tenacious and they thrive in the sun and wind and everything their environment can offer. Keeping them too sheltered can make them weak.
How can you be compassionate with yourself as you implement your plans to be independent and autonomous while also connected to him?
How can you challenge yourself to take action to create the result you want, even if it’s uncomfortable?
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