Frustration and disappointment with colleague

I am really frustrated with my colleague and the organization I work for. My colleague and my have worked together for almost 10 years, mostly as a team of 2 leading the organization. In the last years we grew to 3 and 4 people. In september last year I was burned out and had to stop working. Last May I returned to work, first starting 20%, to reintegrate, in the steps to recovering. I was enthusiastic, had a plan with needs and wants, and was also nervous and tense.

I had a strange first conversation with my colleague. Didn’t feel welcomed, felt she made some strange comments. There were almost no questions from her on how to shape my process of reintegrating, not much willingness or time available. So I tried to take initiative myself and ask for more meetings to talk about my wants and how to return, and to get up to speed with everything again. The week after I joined a team meeting again. I did feel a bit tense, and I might have made some awkward remarks, but I did my best. The day after she canceled our next meeting and didn’t reply to anything for over a week. Finally I had a meeting with the head of our board of directors (It’s a non-profit organization, with a board of directors, who are volunteers).

In that conversation I learned my colleague had reported about the teammeeting to the board: she thought it was really intense, she hadn’t slept for several nights because of it, it was impossible for her to work with me like this, she also commented on our collaboration not functioning the years before, we had interpersonal problems, etc. The head of the board had also called the other members of our team to hear about their opinion.

I felt blindsided and like the situation was turned upside down. Instead of having my back, and supporting me, and cutting me some slack being in a healing process, they were now all focused on her experience.

In the last months there have been some more conversations, and we talked through some things. But last friday in a meeting with the board I noticed myself feeling really stressed out and frustrated. There is now a whole narrative about a huge problem of us not being able to work together, interpersonal problems and ‘the elephant in the room that has to be addressed’ – as they expressed it. This is not my story, it is her experience that has gotten blown up. It seems like no one is talking about the content of my questions and needs, and my story. And I still feel like I am swimming not being able to really be part of the team again, and not being included.

I am frustrated and really disappointed, and find it difficult to see the way forward. I noticed last Friday, I didn’t feel safe, because it felt like no one had my back. It feels really unfair after all these years of hard work, together with my colleague through ups and downs. I probably am stuck because I keep attaching to this thought about the situation, but I find it difficult to see through the frustration, anger and sadness.

 

 

Answer:

It’s not your colleague’s job to help you reintegrate or make you feel welcome back at work, it’s yours. If we tell the story from her perspective- You worked together for 10 years the two of you, the organization is growing then you left. She kept working without your help. I’m guessing this increased her workload. You came back after months away and come to her stressed and nervous expecting her to help you reintegrate and manage how you feel as you slowly take back responsibilities. Now there are multiple meetings in which you are blaming her for what is happening.

If you look at her with compassion and take a deep breath and a step back, can you see how her reactions are understandable?

You have a manual for the people at work, especially this colleague and this is the title: They should have my Back, Support me, and Cut me some slack for Being in a Healing Process.

What would be different if you stopped expecting them to do this for you and you took responsibility for it yourself?

What if you had your colleague’s back, supported her and cut her some slack?

Journal what comes up and bring it back to Ask a Coach so we can support you in this transition.