Fulfilling Dreams 2

Bringing back my answers to the coaches response to the above question.
Go back to your why. See what comes up and bring it to AAC for more coaching.

It’s taken some time to feel I had the space to genuinely answer this question from my heart
And I’ve realised what is so hard is there is not the time I want to do what I want. I’ve created the space for this dream but the dream needs more space and time I don’t have and then rather than embracing the day I have to paint I just panic as the day doesn’t have enough time, my head doesn’t have enough space and my overall life time is running outI ‘ve started this too late in life and what is the point is the inner panic underneath everything etc!!! So instead of giving the energy to my inner artist I give the energy to an inner panic who also wants to tell me that I really need to do extra things for my job, kids, call the vet etc.

In answer to the questions

When did you start wanting this? This is something I’ve always wanted. Since a child. But I took a different path in life that I always regretted. I took a route to just please my parents and survive and I got a low grade in GCSE and a problematic teacher and just told myself art wasn’t for me I’m no good at it and I should follow into business like my dad. I so I did a degree and years of jobs that I’m good at but because I try so hard to keep everyone happy apart from myself. And I’ve been too scared to take this route of what it means to me and if I can afford it when I’m not making money to keep myself safe and keep everyone safe It has been a massive thing to just admit this and create this space and that’s part of the problem I guess it all means so much to me I want it so badly to work out

Why did you want it? I wanted this as it was my happy place something I actually felt good that I can loose myself in, that I can create and nuture and grow myself in that I could actually feel proud of myself . I guess the visual aspect is a massive part of that I can see how I grow and others can see how I grow there is visible evidence. And nothing else gives me the feeling I feel when I’m lost in creation in the flow

What did it feel like to imagine a life full of art? It feels free and expansive and abundant and natural and bright without the boundaries of usual life. But that also is scary as I’m so used to boundaries when you can do anything and you aren’t used to that feeling then where do you go.

Why did you love art? I love art because its the thing I connect to where I feel happy and lost and free and connected and my mind grows and explodes. Galleries always feel safe and art shops full of excitement and potential and something I wanted to know the key to how I made all these amazing things work. it felt like something I could actually be good at something that if you find the key can give you so much joy and fulfilment and give others this as well.

Im finding these questions really hard I think answering them has made me feel like I don’t really like myself or know why other people like me and maybe with art that would change that Id feel good about myself, and be proud of myself and my family would be proud of me and my parents would notice me and my children iwll be proud and my friends and that with art its the only thing I can actually be good at that I have a chance of shining . That everything else that I do I can do well but it is so much hard work as I don’t feel connected I don’t feel I care about Im going through the motions. I work so hard at but at the end of the day is meaningless and art gives so much more meaning.

 

Answer:

Beautiful exploration. It’s ok if it’s stirring up some thoughts and feelings. It always does when we really start looking at what’s happening inside us. This is not a problem. This is the uncomfortable that will help you continue evolving as a person.

Notice this thought you shared: I don’t really like myself or know why other people like me and maybe with art that would change that Id feel good about myself, and be proud of myself and my family would be proud of me and my parents would notice me and my children will be proud and my friends and that with art its the only thing I can actually be good at that I have a chance of shining.

I have good news and bad news. The bad news is, art won’t make you feel good about yourself. The good news is, art won’t make you feel good about yourself.  Your job or how you spend your time does not create your worth. You can shine in any circumstance. You can be proud of yourself now for just being you. You made the exact choices you were supposed to all through your life. There’s no upside to believing anything different. You can let go of the story that you’ve made mistakes. You haven’t.  All you need to do is decide who want to be today. If you weren’t afraid and you believed you could create the exact life you want, what would you do next?