Grief + Decisions around kids

Hi there coaches,

I am 37 and currently I am caring for my Mum who has terminal cancer. I also cared for my Dad who had a terminal illness in my early 30’s. I am happily married and my husband and I have both been ambivalent to having kids, leaving it to nature and allowing either path to unfold. I have never had the ‘urge’ to have children, and I have never been ‘sure’ either way. I have endometriosis and struggles with the emotional side of my Autumn (like many!) and therefore do not want to pursue IVF when I have only started to get my hormones feeling doable these last few years. That decision is clear as day to me.

Like many, I feel that I need to have a firm stance on whether or not I want kids, I recognise this is just a thought, and that this thought sends me into sympathetic activation, which I understand is my dominant nervous system state (and I assume this is largely impacted by losing both my parents in my 30’s).

How can I lovingly support my thinking during losing my Mum and also be calm in my self regarding not being sure whether I want kids or not?

I was hoping you might have some suggestions of helpful and supportive thoughts.

Thank you so much! 🙂

 

Answer:

Support can come in so many ways from within oneself, and when it comes down to brass tax, what is supportive to you during this time of your life will be something that only you can know. It’s a feeling – an inner knowing – about what fits and what doesn’t. You will know when a thought or an action is right or wrong when your body responds in a way that feels good or feels uncomfortable. That’s your best indicator.
In times of change or loss it is so beneficial to invite tenderness and gentle nurturing into your world. When it comes to thoughts, this can take form by allowing yourself to notice when something that you are thinking or doing is not working, is uncomfortable, or is creating feelings like shame without judgment or criticism. Something we say a lot in TFC is, “Of course I’m feeling this way. It makes perfect sense because I’m thinking…” This allows you to compassionately acknowledge what’s going on for you, and get curious about what else you could do, if that feels like an important next step. A great follow up to noticing your thoughts is to ask yourself, “Is that true?” Whatever your answer is, ask yourself if there’s a possibility for you (or someone who might be in the same situation) to think other thoughts. Write them down and notice if any are available to you in that moment.
Start with the thought around needing to have a firm stance on kids. Is it possible that your firm stance is that you’re open to letting nature reveal your path without intervention? In what ways is this a perfectly solid stance to have? Notice how you feel in your body when you answer that question. Come back to us when you’re ready for more coaching, and in the mean time, watch the Creating Safety webinar and/or the Somatics with Victoria Albina webinar. They will be very useful to you at this time.