Guidance on Boundaries, Decision-Making, and Constructive Use of Anger

Hi

I’d love your perspective on a recurring conflict with a family member on the board of our family company, which this time revolves around a bylaw amendment. However, the core issue is not the bylaw itself—it’s about a pattern of power struggles and emotional pressure that keeps repeating itself in different ways.

Here’s what happened:

Before the last board meeting, I sent her a draft of the new bylaws and invited feedback. She had comments, which we discussed on the phone. I asked her to put them in writing and send an email. She never did.
A month before the general assembly, I sent the final draft to everyone and stated: “This is what we will vote on.” She still did not raise the issue.
Then, at the general assembly, without warning, she brought it up publicly. By that point, the lawyer was already present to finalize the new bylaws, and changing them then would have delayed the whole process and wasted money.
Instead of handling it collaboratively, she rallied the other shareholders (family members) emotionally and created pressure.

I still managed to get the bylaws passed, but now, in the upcoming board meeting, she expects me to reopen the topic and make the concession anyway.

Where I Feel Torn

The practical reality is that this bylaw amendment is not urgent, and the topic can be revisited later if necessary. However, this is part of a pattern—she consistently applies pressure, threatens to leave the company (!), and refuses to collaborate, despite multiple concessions from my side—including even taking her on as a board member (!) to be more inclusive.

Now I’m questioning:

What do I gain by giving in again?
Am I reinforcing her pattern of disregarding the process—of bypassing rules, structure, and rational decision-making in favor of emotional pressure?
Am I still playing into her narrative that I “do whatever I want”—even though I’ve actually made all the accommodations while she takes no responsibility?

What Makes This Decision Even Harder

The company’s manager, whom I respect, has suggested that I just make the bylaw change to remove all wind from her sails. His thinking is: “Give her nothing left to fight over, so she loses momentum.”

At first, I agreed with him. And I do see his point—it’s a strategic move that might end unnecessary conflict. Also why use the energy to get into arguments with an irrational person over nothing?

But now, I suddenly feel deep doubt.

– Is this really the right strategy? Or is this just another concession in a long series that never actually leads to peace?
– How many more times do I give in before I finally say no? When is the breaking point?
– At what point do I stop trying to accommodate them and actively shift to a strategy that pushes them out of the company? (And I am already making preparations for this to become a real option.)”

The Role of Anger in Setting Boundaries

I listened to Maisies recent podcast about anger as a tool—not as something that takes over, but as a way to step into one’s power, set boundaries, and demand respect. It made me think:

– Maybe I should be angry here. Maybe this is the moment to firmly say no and set a clear boundary.
– Maybe my fear of how she will react is exactly what I need to let go of—because I am not responsible for managing her emotions.
– Maybe this is also about starting the year with a strong, clear tone—and showing them that I don’t need their approval.
– Or maybe I just play it cool, give them what they want on the surface, and quietly prepare their inevitable exit.

My Questions for You

How do I use my anger constructively here, rather than suppressing it or letting it take over?
How do I set this boundary in a way that is firm but not needlessly escalatory?
Would you advise me to reject the bylaw change now, or is there a way to leverage this moment more strategically?
How do I break this cycle of feeling responsible for managing her emotions while making decisions for the company?
How do I decide what kind of leader I want to be in moments like these?

I’d love your thoughts on how to navigate this—both strategically and emotionally.

Looking forward to your insights.

 

 

Answer:

 

Being in business with family is in a class of it’s own, and this sounds like a very trying situation.

While we can’t advise you on what decisions to make in the business (it’s not our area of expertise), we can coach you to clarity about what you want to do and why.

Coaching can be most powerful when we follow one thread at a time, and I don’t think we can go wrong with picking one to follow. When you think about a firm boundary that’s not incendiary, what are some characteristics that boundary might have? Remember, a boundary is a request with a consequence for not abiding by the request. For example, “I would appreciate it if you call before you come to my house. If you come to my house unannounced from here on out, I will not open the door.” What’s the request you’re making and what’s the consequence should she cross the line? More importantly, why would you be making it?

Family dynamics can be very triggering. Remember to give yourself grace and compassion through this. Keep coming back so we can tease out the questions in more detail and continue coaching on this.