Handling loss of control

I’ve come to realise that a lot of the things I struggle with comes back to the feeling of not being able to control things and situations, mainly in the context of being a parent. I’m not quite sure what is at the bottom of it, perhaps partly the sense of not being the boss of my own time anymore, and not feeling like I have the ability to choose for myself. My oldest is five and a half years old now, and I think I’ve struggled since she was born.

It also brings a feeling of helplessness which is very debilitating. I think I need advice on how to think around the thoughts and feelings around not being able to control things.

Let’s use the example of getting the kids ready for kindergarten as an example.

C getting the kids (5.5 and 2.5 y o) ready for kindergarten. The kids are not letting me help them get dressed.
T: I’ve already tried everything
F: helplessness
A: frustration building inside
A: a sensation of something locking up inside me
A: possibly trying to coax the kids into getting dressed, but with a strained tone
A: fairly soon after snapping at the (still not cooperating) kids.
A: stomping around behaving childishly and letting some steam out
A: feeling a strong need to just leave/escape
A: also feeling a strong obligation to cope with the situation and resolve it.

I realise the model probably has too many feelings in it, and I can probably come up with an intentional one where things go slightly better, but I also now that even when I try to approach situations like this one from a grounded place and with playfulness, time passes and I often end up in a similar model anyway. So I want advice.

I’m also not interested in solutions where I’m not as responsible for the situation, I feel a strong need to find a way to handle them better. Sometimes it feels like I still need to accept that this is part of being a parent. That I have not come to terms with what it means to be a parent.

At the same time I also see Maisie magnificently modelling taking exquisite care of herself while parenting, but that still feels far away from me and what I guess is ingrained in me from life.

Is there even a question in this long post? I hope so. Thank you in advance!

 

 

Answer:

You have where you are and then you have Maisie’s example next to each other. It’s easy to “compare and despair” especially in parenting. I would offer that you can use her as an example of what’s possible. Not that you need to parent exactly like Maisie does, but that you could take exquisite care of yourself and make room for very messy out of control days as well (because that is the reality of parenting).

What could you believe about yourself today that would help you as you move towards that goal?

You said in your first model: I’ve already tried everything.

What about: I’m not going to give up.

I can figure this out.

I have everything I need.

I am the exact parent for these children.

I don’t need to be perfect, I just need to try.

I get to start over every day.

My children’s behaviour is not a measure of my success, mine is.

What do you think?