Having a Courageous Conversation with A Colleague

On Monday I am going to have a conversation with a senior colleague (let’s call them Person A). I chose to have this conversation because they got angry and didn’t assume good intentions when having a conversation with a person I line-manage (let’s call them Person B) and this led to Person B feeling small and chastened by them. I think we should assume good intentions in our interactions at work and I want to make sure Person A gets the feedback about how their approach impacted Person B. My usual approach would be to avoid this conversation because it would feel confronting and uncomfortable, but I chose to initiate it because it was brought to me as this person’s line manager and I felt a responsibility to take action on it.

The outcome I want is to explain Person B’s perspective to Person A, let Person A know about the way their words and approach affected Person B, and learn any more details from Person A that Person B might not have relayed in their account to me that would be helpful feedback for Person B to hear.

I initiated this conversation before listening to Maisie’s podcast and joining the flow collective and learning more about self-responsibility. I know now that Person A and Person B are both responsible for their own thoughts and feelings in this situation, and I am responsible for mine. This is leading me to feel some doubts about whether initiating this conversation was even the right approach in the first place – like, am I taking on too much responsibility? But I don’t want to be conflict avoidant, I do feel this is a conflict that needs some resolution though and it might require my intervention for that to be possible, and when a line manager has intervened on my behalf in the past it has helped me to overcome challenging work dynamics from people who have put me down, so I want to do the same as a line manager myself now.

I want to assume good intentions from Person A in the way I approach this conversation. I want to approach this conversation in a spirit of curiosity. But I’m worried that in doing so, I’ll sort of ‘side’ with them, agree with them to avoid social discomfort, and not make the point I want to make about how their approach affected Person B.

I know I’m going to have a stress response to this conversation but I’m trying to approach it in the spirit of it being a good exercise in believing I can feel any emotion and survive it.

I’d appreciate some guidance on what are some questions I could work on in advance to prepare for this conversation and get the outcome that I want.

I want to ask for some validation that I’m taking the right approach – so a response on how I can build confidence and trust in my own decision to initiate this conversation and that it’s worth doing would be helpful too.

This is my first time using Ask A Coach and I’m trying to ask high value questions but any feedback on my questions is welcome, too!

Just noticing myself trying to be a good pupil and do this right so I get a sticker or something 😉 Both for Ask A Coach and this conversation!

 

 

Answer:

Welcome! We’re so glad you are here and what a wonderful question to ask as you are approaching this very thoughtfully.

I would offer that your description of this situation as a “conflict” will tell your brain how to respond. You’ve described how you are thinking and feeling and it sounds like you don’t like it. Be aware of what’s happening, give yourself lots of compassion and then if you would like, you can prepare by creating an intentional model that focuses on you. The appointement is set. You have a great opportunity to learn. What will help you as you work through this is to decide what your goal is and work from there. Start with your result.

C: a conversation is set for Monday with Person A

T: What do you want to think about yourself to create this feeling?

F: How do you want to feel in order to take these actions?

A: What do you need to do? What will you not do?

R: What is the result you want FOR YOU?

You don’t have to be perfect. It’s ok if things are a bit messy. It’s ok if it’s uncomfortable.  What would be different if you believed that?