Having A Courageous Conversation With A Colleague Pt. II

Just wanted to follow up on the coaching I received and how I used it. In my original message I said “I know I’m going to have a stress response to this conversation”. After working through the model on it I didn’t even feel nervous about the conversation anymore. I didn’t even really have a stress response to it, before or after, just one minute of heart racing immediately prior to the call.

I reframed from a “conflict” to: This is a misunderstanding
Goal: understand each other better

What would be different if you believed:
You don’t have to be perfect. – I wouldn’t worry as much about saying everything exactly right.
It’s ok if things are a bit messy. – I would accept I’m human and trying my best, and maybe not beat myself up afterwards, but have compassion that I tried my best
It’s ok if it’s uncomfortable. – I would be compassionate towards my stress response to the discomfort

IM:
C: a conversation is set for Monday with Person A
T: I don’t have the full picture here, I wonder what she’s going to say
F: Curious
A: I find out more detail about Person A’s response. Why did they react the way they did?
R: I get more information

IM:
C: a conversation is set for Monday with Person A
T: Person A’s reactions and feelings don’t mean anything about me, they are all about her
F: Detached
A: I let her know how the response landed with Person B; I notice how she responds
R: I don’t take responsibility for Person A’s response

IM:
C: a conversation is set for Monday with Person A
T: This is a good exercise in practicing thought work
F: Eager
A: I do a lot of thought work and pay attention to my feelings
R: I learn something new about myself and build a new skill

UM:
C: a conversation is set for Monday with Person A
T: I don’t want to do this
F: Dread
A: My body goes into a stress response
R: I keep not wanting to do it and I don’t show up in the way I want to

Thought download:
I don’t want to do this
I don’t like Person A – she’s critical of me and my work
I think what she did was wrong. I don’t like how she shows up at work.
I have to manage this conflict
I have to do something
I don’t want to give in or be a wimp or wuss out of saying what I need to say
She might get mad or defensive
She won’t like me
It will be awkward to work with her in the future

Alternative thoughts:
I really want to see how this goes – I’m really curious to see how this goes – I want to learn more about what’s going on for Person A
Person A has different standards to me because of her own thoughts about how things should be done, it doesn’t mean anything about me or my work
Person A is passionate, she wants to make the world better, she believes in processes and things being done right, she cares about people
I don’t know all the details about how the conversation went
This was a misunderstanding. All I have to do is show up and say some words.
I want to do something to make this better
I can make this better
I trust myself to say what needs to be said to achieve the goal I want to achieve – which is for Person A and Person B to understand each other better
However she responds is not my responsibility and it doesn’t mean anything about me – it means something about her
I cannot make someone like me – I cannot control how people respond to me
By having this conversation, I can make it easier to work with Person A in the future

I then realised that I had a whole bunch of other feelings about Person A in relation to my own work with them outside of this misunderstanding with another colleague that I needed to manage.

UM:
C: I have work that needs to be signed off on by Person A
T: She’s critical of me and my work
F: Defensive
A: I avoid asking for her sign off on things, I avoid talking to her about work things in advance
R: She keeps criticising my work

IM:
C: I have work that needs to be signed off on by Person A
T: Person A has constructive thoughts and ideas that can make my work better
F: Motivated
A: I ask for her sign off on things, I talk to her about work things in advance, I seek her opinion and guidance
R: Person A gives constructive thoughts & ideas, my work becomes better

So now as well as having managed the conversation with Person A without going into a stress response, I think this will also help my working relationship with them moving forward. This also helped me to see that my own avoidance had played a role in the conflict playing out between Person A and Person B and see how I had some responsibility in this too.

 

 

Answer:

Sending a virtual high five to you. You did it and you didn’t die and you learned some really powerful things about yourself. That alone is worth going through it. Getting a good result is a bonus. Give yourself credit for what you created in the conversation and going forward.

Now that you’ve cleaned up your story and some of the thoughts that were keeping you stuck, what do you want to do with that extra energy you have back? That could be fun to explore.