Having feelings for a man who is not my husband

I have developed romantic feelings for a man who is my (holistic) health practitioner and he has been treating me for nearly 3 years now. I always think and dream about him and cannot wait to see him again – I only see him at our monthly appointments. I feel as if I am having an affair with him although nothing has happened between us. I am happily married and so is he. Our conversations however are not just about my health – we talk a lot and share details about our lives, and he pays compliments about my appearance which is not very professional of him, I know. Basically, I think we both feel the attraction and we both know that nothing can ever happen between us. It is a problem because thinking and lusting after him take up too much of my time and energy. While it is enjoyable and pleasurable, it takes away from my relationship with my husband and I am less present and connected to him as a result. I want to find a way out of these feelings but it feels like an addictive drug and I cannot force myself to stop seeing him. He is also an incredible practitioner and does really help me (which might be part of the reason for my attraction towards him). I sometimes feel like having a short-lived sexual affair with him wouldn’t be that bad (!!!) if no one knew and there were no consequences. I have been with my husband for 14 years and we have a beautiful loving relationship – I don’t want it to end and I don’t want to do anything stupid to blow my life up! I have never cheated. But the newness of another person and the taboo are so exciting and intoxicating. Is there a way I can work on this and still keep him as my practitioner? Thank you.

 

 

Answer:

You already know the answer to that question. You are an adult and can make any choice you want to. Thank you for being so open with how you’re feeling.

The way out of feelings that you no longer want to have is to be objective and reconnect with your values. Take a step back and notice what’s really happening and then you don’t have to force yourself to stop seeing him, you’ll be able to make the choice that you feel best about with confidence. Brains love excitement and attention and this practitioner complimenting you and everything else he does is bringing a lot of dopamine. Then you continue adding to the dopamine and all the love chemicals by imagining being with him. Add to that your story that you can’t stop yourself and you are stuck in this cycle.

Your brain has on blinders and is fully focused on the positive side of him. This is just how brains work. It’s easy because you only see him once a month in a professional setting.  There is always the other side. Perhaps he’s rude to servers or spends 45 minutes on the toilet watching youTube or is sometimes is boring. Perhaps he compliments all his patients inappropriately or it could just be his way of making small talk and it means nothing. You can’t see any of that because your brain is high on infatuation.

Make a list of your values. What behaviour do you expect from yourself and your spouse? What is important to you ethically and/or religiously? What kind of person do you want to be?  See what comes up and bring back your questions and models.