Heartbreak and loneliness

I’m dealing with a big broken heart at the moment! I’ve been single for six years and I’m turning 35 next month. I live on a different continent to my family, and although I have good friends, I often feel profoundly lonely. I’ve also seen most of my friends get married and have a baby, and I am so ready for that part of my life and feel so sad that it still feels very far away.

This summer, I met a wonderful man and fell completely in love for the first time in so long, and told him so (I’m proud for telling him, it was difficult to do that). We were only together for 3 months but lived together for most of that time, met each other’s parents, worked together and travelled together. However, at the end of the summer, he told me he wasn’t ready for commitment. We broke up almost 6 weeks ago and I am finding it so much harder than I thought I would. I feel so alone, I’m crying a lot, and thoughts in my thought downloads include “I’m so sick of being alone”, “nobody ever chooses me”, “why can’t I have what everyone else has” and “It’s all too much”.

Here is an unintentional model:
C: Breakup
T: I’m so lonely
F: Lonely, deep sadness
A: Crying a lot
R: Continue to feel sad and lonely.

I’m new to TFC and self-coaching. But an intentional model could be:
C: Break-up
T: It wasn’t meant to be / someone better is out there for me
F: … Deflated/ still sad/ And impatient (to meet someone)
A: ?
R: ?

Sometimes I struggle to think of concrete actions & results.

Thank you, coaches 🙂

 

 

Answer:

Welcome. We’re so glad you’re here. Your model on loneliness looks spot on for someone who just had a breakup. Your brain for a time will be hyper focused on the grief of that loss (and the whole world looks like it’s in love and having babies). That’s not something that you need to get rid of, the opposite is true. Lean into the uncomfortable emotions and allow yourself to feel them. The goal is to experience these emotions in order to move through them but there’s no rush.  Check in with yourself to see if you are indulging in these lonely feelings in a way that feels like you’re stuck, or if you are allowing them in a way that feels like you’re moving forward even ever so slightly.

There is a workshop in the cycle toolkit and some other calls on Self Love. You can search the replays for this term. Learning to love yourself in this moment with your broken heart will be some of the best work to do.

Your intentional model may not be resonating because you are still seeing this breakup as a bad thing. Trying to believe it’s for the best might not be available to you yet. Try creating a model that focused on you.

C: I am currently single

T: what do I want to think about me?

F: how do I feel when I think that?

A: how do I want to show up in my life when I feel this way?

R: what do these actions create for me?

You can choose whatever you want. It can be a rainbows and buttterflies model which we love, or it can be a gritty, determined “I’m going to get through this.” which we also love or somewhere in between. Just bring it back to you. You are valuable, worthy and incredible. There’s no one like you. See what comes up and bring any questions or models back for more coaching. Don’t worry, all of us start out not being sure how to fill out a model. We’ve got you.