help understanding if I want kids

So Im nearly 41, Ive been through quite a few years of what I would describe as torment in trying to figure out if I want to have a child or not. In my mid 30s I decided I really did and to slow down on a very stressful career and job (av 12 hours days with lots of pressure) so I resigned from that job, met a man who wanted a family with me and we moved to the coast. (I had hospital checks at 38 which confirmed I had no issues at that age that they could see) Long story short Covid hit, his mum dramatically died so we put it off, then the relationship broke down and ended early last year. Surprisingly I then met my current partner who is incredible but having had minimal conversations about kids he said he didn’t and looked heartbroken I potentially was the opposite, then we left it to get to know each other further and ‘see what happens’. We’ve had minimal conversations as we are just loving each other and each other’s company and I don’t want to burst that bubble as such by discussing it until Im clear in my own mind. Bit of background- Since moving to the coast I’ve been surrounded by new friends doing IVF with a partner, IVF with a donor, failed IVF, and also met a lot of friends who don’t want kids. I was bought up by quite an unmaternal mother but we have a close relationship, but I know she struggled with me as a baby as I was poorly for the first 6 months. I don’t go gooey over babies (but do over cats and dogs etc). I’ve always been scared of pregnancy and bumps scare the life out of me! – however having gone through a lot of grief last year (my beloved dog of 10 yrs, cousin, cat, close family friend) and working hard on myself to feel happy within myself and heading towards a happier life this decision is constantly overwhelming me, taking up a lot of space in my head, feeling pressure its now or never, worried I will have to say goodbye to honestly the best relationship I have had with a very caring man ever if he truly doesn’t want kids, and worried if I don’t take action and do it now I will regret it. I need to somehow navigate all this so here I am asking for help (for the first time on here)

 

Answer:

This is a wonderful first question to ask here.
The beautiful thing about this decision is that whatever you choose, you will make the right choice for yourself. What if you were able to make this decision from a place of self-trust? What would you have to think in this scenario to cultivate that feeling? What would you do if you felt trust for yourself? If there were no possible way that you could make the wrong decision, what would you choose to do? What is standing between you and making that choice today? Come back when you’re ready for more coaching.