Help with over-responsibility

I would really love some help with these models that I’ve been working on please. I’m having so many thoughts centred around “my partner is useless” that are creating feelings of frustration and resentment that I don’t want. To give some context, in December my partner became very unwell with what we now know was vestibular migraine. It took a long time to diagnose and has been quite traumatic on us as a family with a 4 year old. Now he’s on the right path to recovery and is able to do most things again which is HUGE progress. I’m now feeling too relied upon, and aware that old patterns of reliance that we had before he was unwell, are now becoming more so. In my autumn this becomes unbearable for me and I’m struggling. He’s a wonderful person and I’m very aware that it’s my issue with over-responsibility that needs to be addressed. I found the podcasts on this so helpful, thank you!

So as I work through models I’m trying to take the ladder approach so I don’t have to take the quantum leap from ‘unkind and pissed-off’ to ‘serenity saint’! Here’s what I’ve got, I’d love to have some feedback on them.

Unintentional:
C: There are things in the house that aren’t getting done. He’s not planning to learn how to drive.
T: He’s useless,
F: Resentment and frustration
A: Ruminating over how unfair it is that I’m expected to carry everyone. I get annoyed and snap. I create an unpleasant atmosphere. I make it hard for him to talk to me.
R: He remains useless in my view.

Intentional:
C: There are things in the house that aren’t getting done. He’s not planning to learn how to drive.
T: He’s still recovering
F: Patient, accepting
A: I’m encouraging. I gradually give him more to do. I use language that empowers him and take time to work through things with him
R: He continues recovering

A couple of ladder ideas to get me there:
C: There are things in the house that aren’t getting done. He’s not planning to learn how to drive.
T: Sometimes he’s useless
F: Resentment and frustration but not as much and not as often
A: Sometimes I’m understanding, sometimes I have to tap out and let him do things that might not be how/what I want them to be. Sometimes I’m snappy.
R: Sometimes he’s useless in my view Sometimes he works things out for himself.

C: There are things in the house that aren’t getting done. He’s not planning to learn how to drive.
T: He’s slowly recovering
F: Encouraged
A: Celebrate all his wins, celebrate all my wins so he’s aware of what I’m actually doing, sometimes I’m snappy, sometimes I’m able to help him work through things. I communicate my cycle so he knows when I’m more likely to do either.
R: He slowly recovers, gets his driving licence, becomes less reliant on me. Our relationship improves.

Thank you.

 

Answer:

These look really solid overall. Nice work! We’re so glad you found the podcasts helpful with this. And finally…way to dig in to the ladder models! The best way to get to where you want to go is one small step at a time, no leaping needed.

Something to be aware of is to keep what other people will (or more realistically, might) do out of your R line because changing your thoughts will not change your partner’s (or anyone else’s) behavior, only your experience of it. When other people show up in our R line, it’s often our expectations of them exposing themselves.

Let’s quickly review the last 3 R-lines you created. Here are a few ideas of what they could be if they were more centered on you:

• R-M2: I allow him to be where he is and do what he can do in his recovery process without judgment

• R-M3: He’s not Mr. March in the sexy firefighters-doing-household-chores calendar, but sometimes I think he’s contributing what he can handle.

• R-M4: I focus on the successes in his recovery process so far and delegate responsibilities in stride with his progress.

These are only suggestions, but can you see the difference between being outwardly focused and inwardly focused? If my suggestions don’t land well, ask yourself, “What do I create for myself from the actions I take, and does it relate to my T?”

Another suggestion that might make the R-lines a little clearer is to dive deeper into what your thought means…when you say, “He’s useless,” for example, what does that mean to you and why is that a problem? This can help clarify both your A and your R lines.

Again, NICE job on these models!