Holiday Stress In-laws Autism/ADHD

Hello, I recently got diagnosed with autism and already was diagnosed with ADHD when I was young (I am now 24). This Christmas, my partner and I are spending half a day and the whole evening with his family. I want to support my partner, as I am aware that his family is important to him. However, my in-laws are quite conservative people and racist, sexist, homophobic jokes/comments at family gatherings are the usual. It is wasted energy trying to discuss with them, as I’m already spending my energy on masking and trying to be social.

There is also a language barrier by the way, as they are Frisian and I am not and that is their spoken language inside the home.

I am feeling a sense of dread, not wanting to make my boyfriend uncomfortable by going against his family, while also not wanting to be uncomfortable (and socially unsafe because of their repeated comments) myself anymore. My nervous system is in a constant fight or flight response when I am there and this is exhausting.

I don’t know how to handle the situation. Do I speak to my in-laws, telling them what they are saying is making me feel uncomfortable (at the cost of my emotional and mental labour), or do I not come to family gatherings anymore, but at the cost of hurting my partner? It feels like these are my only two choices. I have discussed it repeatedly with my partner, and he understands what I’m feeling, but he is also torn between not wanting to make his family uncomfortable and wanting to support me. I hope you can help me.

 

 

Answer:

What if you did know how to handle the situation?

What feels most like love? It sounds like fear is driving your decisions right now, try love. Love for you, for your partner and his family. Sometimes the people in our lives who are hard to love are our greatest teachers. When you figure out how to love them, you get to feel and enjoy that love. This doesn’t mean you go to their party, but making a decision from a different thought and feeling will bring you a different result even if your action stays the same.

I would offer that you don’t go further than this current Christmas event. Our brain wants to make it all or nothing forever. That’s just not true. You could even decide to go and have an exit strategy. How would you feel if you have permission to leave at any time?

What do you think? Explore and bring back any questions or models.