Housing & Finding Home

Hi team,

Today I’m looking for some coaching having to do with housing and home.

I am starting to realize that I have a real pain point when it comes to home. I’ve had a very difficult time finding housing and community in my home country that I enjoy. I often am told that I have too high of a standard or what I am looking for doesn’t exist. I’ve tried to fight those thoughts and looking for housing that meets my needs but it has been a struggle. Some housing has been too expensive and at other times I’ve found things like mold, mildew, or rodents.

I also don’t have a desire to continue to live in my home country. And last year my partner and I went abroad to see what it was like. We traveled to Norway and we really loved it. I found the housing there to be comfortable and clean. But we weren’t able to find a way to stay in the country at the time.

We returned to canada and have been moving in and out of housing. We’ve found short term rentals that work but we aren’t able to stay there long term. We’ve signed and broken leases and lost money but kept our values and standards, which I am happy about. We’ve been slowly adding to our debt trying to make housing work here in canada. And housing isn’t something I am willing to compromise on.

I’ve found two places I really like, I really like Oslo and that would be my top choice. It feels like home. I like the culture and nature. I like the long winters and cold. I like the cozy culture. I like that when I’m there I can create new memories and learn a new version of myself. Someone who isn’t bogged down by my families past, my experience in school, my brother’s death, the pain in my childhood. But I have this belief that I won’t be able to stay there. I can’t find a visa that I would qualify for. I would also try living in Switzerland, Spain or Portugal. In canada, I really like Revelstoke. Though it doesn’t align with my goals, I think it would make a fine home base to return to.

Every time a housing situation doesn’t work and especially if we lose money (deposits, or paid rent on nights not stayed) I begin to question if my standards or vision for my life is even possible. It feels possible when I’m abroad or when I have something stable that I like but it doesn’t feel that way when housing is uncertain or uncomfortable.

It was so difficult to return to canada last year. I loved being abroad so much and I just wanted to stay. This December we moved from Revelstoke to Vancouver to be closer to friends and because the rental we were in was seasonal and we couldn’t afford to stay. I tried looking for housing there but couldn’t find any. And renting a car was becoming too expensive. So we set-out to spend a couple months in Vancouver. I lived here for 5 years in my twenties and I didn’t like it. I am grateful for the people I met, but I don’t like this city. I don’t like the cars and how it feels to be a pedestrian, I don’t like the high rent and low quality housing, I don’t like the rain, and I don’t like how they treat the epidemic of unhoused people who live on the street. But I thought, I am going to approach this differently and make this city work for me. I booked a rental that I thought would work and ended up finding mold which is very common here. It was very stressful to relocate and the landlord intends to keep our rent and deposit because they said they didn’t agree that there was a mold issue.

Now we’re in a new rental and I’m having another issue which is, there is this fan that runs constantly that can’t be turned off. The owner told us before we rented and at the time we thought fan over mold made the most sense. I’m trying to be calm and tell myself this isn’t permanent. But if I was being really honest I would say that this goal of being in Vancouver isn’t worth it for me. I want to leave canada and I don’t know where to start. My partner and I have visas we’ve been working on for Copenhagen and have thought about going there for 1 year and after a year trying another digital nomad visa for Spain or Portugal. But now our financial situation is worse off then before coming to Vancouver and I have no idea what to do next. I don’t know how to get from here to the life I envisioned for 2025. I feel defeated. Every time something goes wrong here I tell myself, this is why I don’t want to live in this country. And when things went wrong in Norway I would say, it’s okay, it will work out.

I want to leave here, I don’t have the money, I don’t have a rental beyond February 6th, I don’t know where we’ll go and I feel depressed. I don’t know how to regain what I had a month ago: inspiration, drive, confidence. I feel like this city is looking at me and saying, nice try but did you really think that was going to work. I feel like I’m not valued here and that people don’t understand me because my friends here have all made compromises. They don’t want to talk about housing because they’re tired of it. Friends have said to me that they would rather ignore the issue because it’s not getting better.

This stirs up rage in me so strong. It’s the reason I don’t like the culture here. The quiet complacency. I want to change things, do things differently and I’m willing to leave to make that happen.

Where should I begin. Beyond the thought errors, is there some practical steps you could help me set up? If my goal is to leave canada and/or find a home base and this is where I’m at, what could be some next steps for me?

Thank you so much

 

 

Answer:

What are the facts right now? In your story, you’ve got a lot about the past and a lot about the future. Not having safe housing is the imminent need. If you look at Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs, physiological needs like breathing and shelter are the base. Then you have Safety and Security like employment, property, and health in the next level.  If those are very much not feeling settled, it could be very challenging to do thought work around this.  Thankfully our brains are wired for survival and they know just what to do. Listen. How is having a deadline the exact thing you need?

How can you make decisions now that will allow you to take care of your basic needs? What options are you not looking at that could be viable for you?