How others respond to “emotional outbursts”

I’m trying to work out a response to my brother in law after he contacted me with the message below after i got obviously upset on a holiday with my in-laws and husbands family, telling them “it doesn’t feel nice knowing there’s a family what’s app group we (me and my husband) aren’t part of”. I was crying, feeling unsafe, and then took myself off for a walk having talked to my mother in law who got upset at me for being upset “at her”.

For context, my husband had gone back home for work for the last three days, and I was feeling pretty lonely as all the focus is on the kids, and there’s little nourishing adult conversation from my POV. I put a lot of effort into maintaining the relationship with my husbands family (he does very little on that front) and they get to see a lot of the kids become they want to and also help me out with ad hoc childcare.

I want to include
– all emotions are normal
– they are a way of communicating
– I have been taking responsibility for my own emotions through regular therapy for a year and daily thought work
– I cannot be responsible for other peoples emotions
– the family tendency is to not talk about things, and not do anything to rock the boat. I am from a different family, therefore my behaviour is different, but that doesn’t make me a bad person
– what I would like is to be friends as well as family with my brother in law and sister in law – we live close by, we both have young kids, we have a lot of similar interests, we used to share a friendship group before they spent 5 years overseas.

I get the feeling he probably has fathers postnatal depression as says he feels guilty he’s not enjoying his life with a baby back in the UK, so want to make sure I’m being gentle and kind while not selling out on all the mindset work I’ve been doing in TFC.

Help!

“In the moment when feelings are high, it makes me quite anxious, and to be perfectly frank, I get annoyed as it affects the mood of everyone around it, and to some extend puts a dampner on things.
I appreciate that is not your intent, but if does have quite a big affect on me, and others.

This is a family weakness, as I should be less sensitive and brush if off and either move on or ignore it. But I just want everyone to be happy and chilled, without any edginess.

This is something [my partner] and I work on. I tend to take myself away so that my mood doesn’t affect her, so I can reflect before snapping. I’m struggling being a dad tbh, and feel pretty guilty that I don’t feel super happy with my new life. I’m generally finding life pretty hard with a job I’m not loving and adjusting to the UK. Hence why I’m trying to find my own coping methods….which may come across as being less bothered or not engaging. It’s just my way currently to get my shit straight.

No one is perfect and I do appreciate you try really hard. A week with the in-laws is challenging…“

 

Answer:

This is such a wonderful way to follow up on a tense moment with your in laws because it gives you time to create intentional and thoughtful words, and an intentional and thoughtful goal. When you think about writing this letter, consider what result you’d like to create for yourself and what you need to do to get you there. A result you could create may have to do with communication, or standing in your truth. It could be to connect with and understand yourself and your brother in law more. It could be to continue to create a safe space to have hard conversations. What result would you like to create? Fill the model in from the R line up and take note of how this impacts the way you create your letter and what you decide to include in it.