How to accept my partner, unable to tolerate my low mood

For the past few years, I have been suffering from short (1-3 days) depressive episodes linked to my cycle (most months around day 10). This is the main reason I joined the flow collective – to try and figure our what is going on. I’ve been in the Flow Collective for almost a year. I feel like I’ve made a lot of progress – before I joined the episodes would last longer, would really take me by surprise and turn me upside down. Now, I implement hard day protocols, I’ve cut the guilt and shame that used to come afterwards (my summer goal was to love myself unconditionally, and I’ve been making a lot of gains in this area). I am working on feeling my feelings and processing them, so that they don’t build up and overcome me during these depressive episodes. I journal every day and do models to help me understand my mind better. But I continue to have these episodes. I have made a plan for how to manage them, and am working to accept that this is just how things are at the moment (while also taking massive action to try to reduce their frequency and severity – in addition to the Flow Collective, I’ve tried doctors, counselling, diet, exercise, vitamins and next week acupuncture). I’ve been trying to bring my husband (we’ve been married 10 years and have an 8-year-old daughter) along on my journey, and I talk to him about all of this. To be honest, though, what comes up during my depressive episodes is often a lot of anger and resentment towards him. It has been a tough few years – we moved countries for his job at the beginning of the pandemic, and I’ve felt very isolated, lonely and homesick. I suggested we move back home after the first 6 months, and my husband just wouldn’t consider it at all. I think a lot of the resentment stems from this.
During the episodes I’m aware of the anger but really try not to let it show, as I know it’s not how I usually feel. Usually I’m quite and withdrawn, cry when I’m alone, and complain a lot about the country we’re living in (i.e. there is not any parking, everything’s expensive, it’s so cold, etc.) I have talked to him about my depressive episodes, told him that they are not his fault and are something I am struggling with, that during these time I loose hope, feel so sad, don’t want to do anything, but I know they will blow over, and I’d appreciate it if he could just love me through it. He says yes, he’ll try, but what actually happens is that immediately after I feel ok again, he distances himself from me and often gets quite angry (for up to a week) – subtly putting me down or ignoring me. I raised this with him last night. He told me that he’s angry that I get depressed. That it’s hard for him to be in a house where someone is inconsistent, and he doesn’t’ know what to expect one day to the next. That it isn’t fair on him. He said that if I can be happy and normal with our daughter when I’m sad, I should be able to be happy and normal with him. I explained that that was an act for her benefit, and he’s the only one I’m honest with. But, he seems to want me to act for his benefit too. I’m so disappointed and angry with him. I feel like there have been plenty of times when I have supported him through difficult things, and now I really need his support, he’d just prefer it if I kept it to myself. He grew up in a household with a violent father who was bi-polar, so this is also at play here.
I think I’m in this model:
C. Partner said he is angry with me because I was depressed earlier this week.
T. What is the point of our relationship if he can’t support me when I’m having a hard time?
F. Angry (and very alone, but mainly angry right now)
A. Activated. Heart pumping. Chest tight.
Don’t sleep well.
Think about all the times I supported him.
Think about all the times he has let me down, and not been there for me.
Think that I can’t count on him. What if something really terrible happens and I have nobody to rely on?
Ruminate.
Distance myself from him, and think of ways I can avoid being in the house.
R. I am focusing on my anger and not supporting myself, which will likely spiral into more depression.

So, I’m thinking that I just need to accept that he is not available for me in this way. I need to look for this in other people. I haven’t shared this issue of my depressive episodes with anyone else. So I called my sister and told her last night. I will try to tell my friends. And I will seek connection and community elsewhere. My intentional model is:

C. Partner said he is angry with me because I was depressed earlier this week.
T. It is ok that he is unavailable, because I have the tools to love and support myself, and to find support from others.
F. Empowered.
A. Call my sister and tell her about my depressive episodes.
A. Consider telling friends when I’m struggling, and maybe even about my struggling marriage.
A. Look for ways to feel connected with other people/community – chat to parents at the bus stop.
A. Feel determined to implement the tools I have learned, and continue to work through the Flow Collective materials.
A. Journal. Write lists of things that are working that I will continue to do.
A. Read a book on depression, it’s causes, and how to address it, and try new ways to help myself.
A. Decide to mask my feelings at home, but seek out opportunities to express my feelings elsewhere.
R. I love, accept and support myself through times of my low mood.

I feel like I’m in both models. I feel empowered today to take care of myself, while having lingering anger towards him as well.

So, my question is, does this sound reasonable? Am I missing something? Is there a simple solution here? Do you have any insights that might help?

Answer:

Thank you for sharing this with us as well. AAC is always a space where you can bring yourself exactly the way you are. One thing to tweak in your UM is the question in the T line. If you were to turn this into a statement, or answer the question, what would the thought become? Does that match up with your anger? If not, why do you feel angry? I think your IM looks wonderful, and it also sounds like it is accessible to you right now – even MORE wonderful!
Something to remember about other adults is that we are all living in our own models and we all have what we call Manuals for others – guidebooks for how we think someone else should show up in both theirs and our lives so we can feel better…feel good…feel happy. We don’t often even tell the people for whom we have these expectations what they are – we expect them to just know, and we make it mean something if they don’t. It sounds like you’re in the beginning phases of letting go of your manual for how your husband shows up for you in your depressive episodes, and understanding that your feelings are in your hands regardless of what he does – both the tough ones to feel, and the delightful ones. And knowing that you can choose empowerment is wonderful. Did you know that you can also choose love?
What if you were able to love your husband through the moments when he’s angry about something that he can’t control? What would be different for you? Come back when you are ready for more coaching with part two.