How to determine if I love someone

Hi coaches,
lately I’ve been struggling a lot with how to find out if I love someone (especially my boyfriend). I don’t know what love is supposed to feel like. I think for me it always was a concept that can be determined by rational reasoning. For example: Children love their parents –> I love my parents. A friend tells me they love me –> the logical answer is “love you too”. I’ve come pretty far with that approach and it always served me well (probably meaning it allowed me to keep a distance and prevent me from getting too involved i.e. hurt). In a romantic relationship, however, this shows up to be very problematic because I know I cannot be his girlfriend just by saying “love you too” when he says “I love you” because that is what I am supposed to say. Me being unsure if I really love him leads to constant conflict in lots of areas in the relationship and a lot of anxiety for me. To battle this, I try to let others determine if I love him for me. This looks something like this:

C: I rely on the assessment of others to evaluate my relationship
T: If others think it is a match and the way I act shows that I love him that must be the case
F: anxious
S: pressure on my chest, tight throat
A: I don’t trust myself, I disregard my own judgement, I rely on others/make myself dependant on others’ opinions, I look for external reassurance because I can’t reassure myself, I disregard my feelings because I think I cannot feel them correctly, I judge myself for not being sure about my feelings for him, I use the assessment of others as an excuse to not properly look at my emotions (probably because I still have no clue how to become aware of them in the first place), I am unsure about my feelings, I doubt myself and my relationship, I struggle with saying “I love you” even though others (including him) say I clearly act as if I loved him, I base my relationship on my boyfriend/therapist/friends’ judgement
R: I am anxious in my relationship because I rely on external judgement

I know I have to find out what it feels like to love someone/how loving someone shows up for me but the more I think about it the tighter my chest and throat get and the more dysregulated I feel… I am looking forward to your input/questions/advice!

 

Answer:

 

First start with grounding yourself when the panic around this issue arises. You are not threatened here. You are totally safe to ask this question. Try something to physically bring you into your body – watching the Somatics webinar might be helpful, even!

Right now, we’re just asking questions and getting curious about the answers to them. You are learning about yourself so you can know yourself better than you did yesterday. How does that sound?

When you hear the words, “I love you,” what do you think that means? Do a thought download. Write down all of the ideas that come into your mind about what it means for you and for others (or what it might mean). Consider socialization, Hallmark movies, real life experiences, and even the idea of self-love. Exhaust your brain without judgment. What do you like? What don’t you like? What do you want to explore more from this list? Finally, take note of what you notice coming up for you when you do this.

Bring it back to us when you’re wanting more coaching and we’ll continue exploring this.