How to say no respectfully

Hi maisy and team!
Firstly a deep thanks and gratitude for all that you do! Have gotten so much out of the podcast over the last year 💗
A current life dilemma was hoping to get some coaching on
My best friend of 20 + years her husband’s 40th is coming up. Our families are close, our husbands also knew each other for years before we got together. It is a special bond. I have decided not to go to the 40th as it is a day’s drive with my two children under 3 years. I also identify as an autistic woman so big social gatherings are a real challenge for me. Perhaps if it was for a longer stay then I could build into the experience decompression/ recovery time from travel and socializing and still get sometime to properly catch up with my friend with just our families but with schedules if we did come it would be a round trip in 3 or 4 days which feels too much. Honestly just the process of writing this out is good therapy! Anyway my friend seems to be very hurt by our decision not to come. We have barely spoken but for a few short texts.
I guess I have two questions
Is it ok to say no to events like this even when they are super meaningful to other people? I am newly self diagnosed with autism and it is changing my life incredibly for the better in that I am just becoming so much more aware and conscious of my needs/ capacities/ supports that help/ ways to modify my life. I am getting good at setting myself up for success by saying no to things that feel to much and planning days sometimes weeks in advance to set support structures in place for events or activities that might be more taxing if that make sense. When I did the mental sort of cost/ benefit calculation on this trip it just kept feeling like it would be more than I could do at present. While I get this method is so helpful in the day to day should I try extra hard to push through for events meaningful to others?
Second question
I have not really told many people about my autism including this friend. I want to share with her how my recent diagnosis and new methods of planning my life setting goals and boundaries for myself are helping me live a healthier happier life but don’t want it to sound like I’ve invented a condition to excuse my behavior.
Kind regards, a grateful listener 💗

 

 

Answer:

Hello! We’re so glad you are here. Your friend is allowed to be disappointed and hurt that you’re not coming. That’s ok. They get to have their thoughts and their feelings. You do not need to feel guilty, however. As you figure out how you want to make choices a great tool is to know that you get to “choose your uncomfortable.” There is always going to be 50/50 positive and negative in anything we do. In your dilemma you have choosing to go and potentially being uncomfortable at the event but you do it because you want to be the kind of friend who shows up no matter what. Or you have saying no and taking care of you in the way you want to but you have the uncomfortable part where your friend potentially feels hurt and you don’t like that. It sounds like you’ve made up your mind already. Now all you need to do is give yourself permission.

I would offer that you spend your energy working on your belief that it’s ok to say no and you don’t even have to explain it yet. A simple, “I love you but I am not going to be at the party and I’m sorry you’re disappointed, let’s talk soon” is enough. She gets to feel or react any way she wants to. What do you think you would be able to feel if you believed you could do that?