Husband does not get my celebration

Hello coaches,
Last week I celebrated communicating I was not available when my husband invited friends over to our house on the evening before our trip. In the beginning I had asked him if they could come at another time but he said no and that he would manage which is when I decided I did not have to be there. I was very proud of having made this decision and for communicating it so directly.
But as it turns out my husband was not okay with it and we had a huge dispute about it afterwards. I felt so overwhelmed and sad as I have always tried sharing my progress with my family so I did not expect it to be that big of a deal.
He felt ashamed that I did not even wanted to come say hello to his friends and he did not understand my need for isolation. Although I tried explaining my reasons he still felt hurt.
This morning I felt incredibly sad as it makes me doubt if I can be my authentic self whilst staying in my marriage. sometimes I feel it would have been so much easier if I had learned all this before I met my husband.
My husband realised my sadness and apologised to me for his strong reaction and let me know he wants to be with me. I then decided that next time I will make a decision like this I will share my reasons. Not in a asking permission kind of way but just to help him understand.
I still feel disappointed of the difference of reaction, being celebrated in TFC and being dissappointing for him -I realise I am being over responsible but I can’t find another way to express this.
I feel a bit scared of his need for control but as he sincerely apologised I want to see how this will play out next time.. But I also realised when trying to let go of my sadness I feel mad. Because he knows I’m Autistic, he knows I feel very depleted most of the time, he knows I get overwhelmed when preparing for a trip.
I will talk to him about this but I also wanted to come here to get coached on questions I could ask myself. How could I explore this? I am always quick to take action when something doesn’t work which explains the decision of explaining my reasons next time but I think I am now doubting it.
Thank you.

 

 

Answer:

It can be very difficult for people in our lives to adjust when we make changes. Give both of you some grace. If you have a cycle, check in with it. How could it be contributing to this situation?

I noticed one thought that might be causing some difficulties for you. You said “I feel a bit scared of his need for control.”  Take a step back and study this interaction like a scientist. Notice what is story and what is fact. Question this thought. Is it true? Is it useful? Who would you be without this thought?

Notice how you want your husband to understand you.  Where are you not understanding him? Where are you not allowing him to have feelings and be a human?

C: Husband said “…” after I did not say hi to his friends.

T: He should (insert your manual for him in this moment)

F:

S:

A:

R:

See what you find and come back for more coaching.